***Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation and Self Harm***
I’m just so scared and confused. I find it so distressing and unsettling when my emotions are so out of line with external events e.g. one of my closest friends – who is wonderfully kind and caring – just spent an hour out of her incredibly busy life visiting me at home. Now that she’s gone and I can let that little bit of a ‘front’ drop I just want to cry, curl up in a corner and hide forever – well, actually, curl up in a corner and die.I just don’t know what to do and don’t know what the point of continuing is when even the tiniest things that should be nice or east or comforting or at least not paingul actually leave me in even more emotional pain. I’m so tired and confused, and this is how it has been – how I’ve had to live – for so long, sticking it out in the hope that it wouldn’t always be this horrifically difficult and terrifying just to love, but I’m scared that I don’t have the strength or energy to continue any more. How pathetic and ungrateful is that when I’m so lucky to have so much professional and personal support? I feel so much guilt and shame for being so out of my mind with this. There is so much self-hatred in me that I literally want to tear my skin off, rip myself limb from limb, make it so that all trace of ‘Molly’ and ‘body’ are gone. Rid the earth of this thing that is just so kdhjdshtduhoweiriehrseiur what? So draining and pathetic, I suppose.
I’ve been trying. Trying so hard. Tried to do some bracelet making, tried to play xbox, tried to read, tried to just watch TV but I can’t concentrate, think or even settle. I can’t get anything out og my head but that I need this to be over, that I wish I’d been successful all those months ago. Text Crisis Team but I know they’re busy and it’s easy for texts to slip by. I wish someone I knew was on because I need to talk really. I’m so scared and don’t know what to do. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY AM I SUCH A WASTE OF SPACE? WHY CAN’T I DO THIS? I SHOULDN’T BE SO PATHETIC.
Still can’t settle. just need this to be over. Can I make it until Crisis Team visit tomorrow? I so desperately feel the need to punish myself but I don’t want to let everyone down. I even more desperately want to not be alive. Right, need to shift focus, can I get to the Crisis Team visiting? I need to do that. I still can’t settle on anything. Time to give in and have some lorazepam. In the hopes that I might be able to get to a time that I can hide in bed without causing too much concern. Please just let this pain become more bearable so that I can get through the next 12 hours. The trouble is, if I phone Crisis Team they’ll ask what’s wring/what it is that’s painful/what’s unbearable (understandably) and I won’t be able to answer (MY FAULT) so I’ll just be wasting their time and feeling more and more guilt and self-hatred for letting all of them down, for failing all of us. Why am I such a failure?
Manage to do 5 minutes of craft but my thoughts jump for the first time to what a nice memory of me these things would be, to be left alongside a note, so at least there’s a little bit of me left with them in a nice way. How does my mind jump from something so nice and innocent to THAT?! What is wrong with me? I’m such a terrible person. It’s so cruel of me that these thoughts are so omnipresent – how can I be so evil and selfish when I’m lucky enough to be receiving such amazing support from the Crisis and Recovery Teams and to be surrounded by such wonderful, loving family and friends? I hate myself for it. I’m not sure if I can tell anyone about it, I’m so ashamed.
Such a shaky, anxious mess – scared that I might throw up with anxiety. Wondering how early I can go and hide in bed without worrying mum too much. I’ve had enough of this, more than enough. I want to scream “LEAVE ME ALONE!!” but when it’s your brain tormenting you, what the hell is there to do?
Going to attempt to hold on.
So low and anxious. My world is caving in. I so want to just run away and disappear tomorrow, I’m so desperate for Molly to disappear and come to an end altogether so that all this pain, turmoil and distress is finally over. My brain is back to planning desperately. Shit. I’m letting everyone down…again. Hate myself. But so drained and scared and fed up of this. I don’t know what to do any more.
Having full-on meltdown. For some reason everything suddenly pressurised into tomorrow. Text Crisis Team and have taken lorazepam. This is getting into scary-unsafe territory again. 😦 Hate myself. Scared the Crisis Team will hate/be disappointed/be upset/be frustrated with me, too. I truly want so badly – and have been working so hard – to get better and stay alive, it’s just feeling impossible (my fauly). Letting everyone down. Thinking maybe of running first thing.