I can’t get Monday’s long-awaited psychology appointment out of my head. Everyone agrees that long term psychotherapeutic work (after initial work to try to stabilise my mental state and provide me with coping mechanisms required to deal with the additional turmoil and distress that psychotherapy will bring up) is what I need to start understanding and recovering from my illness; it’s amazing that I’ve now been assigned a psychologist and that we can now begin our therapeutic relationship on Monday – I am so incredibly grateful to everyone involved not only in getting this in place, but in every aspect of my care – but then there comes the big BUTs (which I realise are entirely down to my inadequacies)…
I am terrified that I am going to mess this up. I’m almost certain that I’m going to be a complete wreck – and in these circumstances that entails me turning into a snot-covered, wailing piece of blubber – so I’m scared that I won’t be able to make proper use of out time, or explain things properly…which (on top of making me feel incredibly guilty) feeds in to horrible past experiences. I’m also terrified that I’ll say or do the wrong thing (or not say or do the right thing) and she’ll decide that she doesn’t want to work with me, or that I’ll upset or offend her. I’m scared witless that she’ll decide that I’m not trying hard enough or that she’ll say it is all my fault (again, harking back to terrible experiences in the past). There’s a good chance that I’ll be dissociated and either not there at all or having to battle to have even a little bit of ‘Molly’ there. Another possibility is that I’ll slip into the small bit of ‘front’ that I’m still able to put on (but that is so well-practiced over the past decade that it rolls out without me noticing) and so won’t show all the pain, turmoil, distress and desperation below the surface.
Most of all, I’m terrified of being told that there’s no hope from the one avenue that everyone has been pinning all hopes on.
I’m terrified of messing up my one shot of ‘getting better’ at the very first hurdle. I can’t bear letting everyone down.