It’s funny how discussions lead on to random things which turn out to be much less random than you think, leading back to meaningful and important thoughts. The Northern Lights have a lot to answer for in this case! It all started with a discussion about the Northern Lights in Art Therapy on Monday – one that I wasn’t participating in due to my completely broken nature (i.e. sobbing in a corner cuddling the therapy dog) – until the art therapist asked whether I’d ever seen the Northern Lights. The answer the poor woman got was a garbled, snot-filled, all-in-one-breath “No and I really want to but I won’t ever be able to now because I can’t survive this but there’s so much I want to see and I don’t know what to do!” *recommence blubbering*

Anyway, relaying this to one of my favourite crisis nurses this evening resulted in her giving me the homework to make a list of all of the things that I’d like to do or see or experience in the future (after revealing another strange personal connection to the Northern Lights that adds weight to the notion of fate). This was met instantly by my protests of “but I’m not going to survive this!” “but I can’t even tolerate, let alone enjoy anything!” “but I wouldn’t deserve these good experiences” and even more buts than those on Kim K’s instagram – however, we agreed that I’d try to do this exercise without thinking of any of this; imagining the future that she and the other experienced professionals see to be possible for me, rather than my own views and fears.

In many ways, all of this links back to my Grieving Myself post from last week, but I’m trying to momentarily put aside that overwhelming sadness and blinkered ‘the only way out is death’ views that this post described, and just think of an ideal world scenario.

So, what would I look forward to in the future?

  • My family continuing to grow – both in number and age. I want to see the children grow up, the babies be born, my loved ones continue to build the amazing lives that they deserve.
  • My friends continuing to flourish and grow in to the wonderful lives ahead of them – the graduations, the jobs, the engagements, the marriages, the houses, the babies, the careers, the talents, the passions.
  • Being with, and supporting, my loved ones through all of the good and bad that life brings – the parties, the celebrations, the achievements, the illnesses, the grief.
  • Peace. Nothing fancy, just moments of tranquility or the absence of emotional distress.
  • Personal growth. I’d like to find out who ‘Molly’ is, because there hasn’t been a well ‘Molly’ or even what feels like any ‘Molly’ at all, for a very long time. I’d like to find out what I enjoy, what I’m good at, what I hate and what I fail at. The good, the bad, I want to discover it all without the all-consuming fog of illness.
  • Making a career out of helping people, using my experiences and drive to ease the suffering of others to make a difference by going in to mental health work in some way or another.
  • Campaigning and fighting for the things I believe in, for the people who have less of a voice.
  • Seeing beautiful things:
    – the Northern Lights
    – Scotland (more of)
    – the Nazca Lines
    – natural beauty in its simplest forms
  • Learning. About anything and everything!
  • Experiencing nature:
    – locally
    – across the UK (Scotland etc.)
    – going on Safari
    – seeing the Great Barrier Reef
  • Experiencing different cultures (current and ancient!)
  • Seeing the world outside of this bubble of the UK – travelling, widening my experience of the world.

Well, that’s it for now. A list of what feels like impossibilities, but I did it, I let myself tred into those waters of ‘what if’ even though it creates an aching sadness and fear of the impossibility of my continued existence. That’s something, right?

*tries to ignore the accompanying crushing sadness and fear*


2 thoughts on “Aspirations

  1. Reblogged this on thedoodlechroniclesblog and commented:

    Trying to remind myself of these aspirations in preparation of discussing my medium-term therapy aims with my psychologist tomorrow. Everything seems so out of reach that formalising any kind of aims feels impossible to me – but she and I discussed this last week – so I’m going to go in with a bunch of ‘sources’ to help her understand what it is that I want from therapy, where it is that I want to head towards, and then hopefully we can craft the aims together.

    Although my critical, perfectionist, anxious brain is telling lots of nasty things to the contrary.


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