This evening, I feel like I’ve ruined everything (in terms of my care) – that I have personally caused irreversible damage to the therapeutic relationships and trust that I’ve worked so hard to build, that I’ve let down the people who have gone so far out of their way for me (this is unfortunately compounded by horrific experiences with a different trust who treated me prior to this one, who confirmed these innate fears in me and actually punished me for it).
I feel like the only impact I have on the world, on those who have any connection – therapeutic or personal – to me is negative. And this causes me the most unbearably intense emotional pain. I mean entirely off-the-scales pain. Because when I feel this way (and I feel it, to a lesser or greater degree, daily – with huge spikes perhaps several times a week) it adds weight to what feels like the logic of ending my life – that, actually, although people might not realise it now, in the long run EVERYONE would be better off without me, because at least there would be a ‘getting over it’ for those personally connected to me and it would stop the worry/concern/nuisance/trouble/burden that I am to those looking after me, freeing their time for others (I would like to add that these are things that I feel, not that the wonderful team looking after me would ever express or intend me to feel).
A recent visual journal page on my ‘bubble of badness’ sums this up well:
Excuse the fingers, I’m just blocking out names of friends.
Again, I want to emphasise that this is how I feel, nothing more or less, and certainly not coming from anyone else (although very definitely linked to traumatic past experiences). But these periods of complete certainty that I’ve affected others badly, made their lives even a little harder, caused them stress/worry, let them down, or made them think badly of me make me sure that I’m right.
Something I’m even more sure of is that I cannot bear this emotional pain. The tiny rational part of me left is saying that this is due to my illness – my personality disorders causing emotional dysregulation and trouble with relationships, my anxiety making me worry excessively, my depression making me think badly of myself and feel hopeless – but, whatever the cause, it is unbearable. The pain is beyond anything else and I don’t know what to do about it.
I can’t stand that I impact others negatively; I feel that I do that constantly; today I’m certain that I’ve messed things up and have let down people whose help and dedication I value more than I could ever adequately express.
It’s my fault, it causes me unbearable pain, and I don’t know what to do.