Today I’m not doing well and I need to talk to the crisis team. But I’m currently on a program of reducing my visits and contact with them (today being one of the first without a visit), so I feel like needing to speak to them today would be ‘giving in’ and letting them down, showing that I’m too weak to move forwards, confirming my own fears of weakness, confirming my terror that I can’t get better.
But if I don’t phone then maybe that’s letting them down, too, and showing that I can’t have the independence of reaching out when I need to talk?
Then kicks in the fears that I’m just being pathetic by not coping, anyway.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared that I can’t do this. I’m so scared that this is all there is for me. I hate this. I hate myself. I don’t know what to do.