Trying to work on a brain as broken as mine feels like an overwhelming and even perhaps insurmountable task. Today I’ve been trying to view it a little like fixing a machine: yes, there’s a bloody long way to go, and we’re all a bit cautious of wading into the mess of ‘cogs’ due to the potential of bringing more trouble to the surface, but with the right tools – Hope, Patience, Psychology, Hard work, Mental Health Teams, Medication, Therapy, Not giving up, ME – and a bit of super-glue (Self-Compassion) to stick any broken bits back together and fix mistakes made along the way, it shouldn’t be impossible…
Or so I’m trying to tell myself!
I really liked this piece of advice from the crisis nurse who visited this morning. We were talking about how my psychologist had been trying to get me to approach my mental health and our work together without my unhealthy drive to achieve with perfectionism and avoiding my crippling fear of letting anyone down. This… Continue reading “If you try it out on ‘easy’ mode for now, at least you can accomplish the challenges and feel proud, moving on to ‘normal’ and then even on to hard as you feel able”
My perfectionism was a topic that came up in therapy today – in a much more serious manner than this, with discussion of the trouble it causes in my life and the underlying causes – however, I came away wanting to practice intentional imperfectionism. So here I just let myself get carried away with this… Continue reading Practicing Imperfection
Feeling very sad about this as this place was supposed to be for discussion but the things that have been said – using a series of different accounts over the past 24 hours – have hurt me to my core. Sorry folks xxx
Thinking of what my psychologist today described as the constant battle within myself, trying to represent how impossible and terrifying this is – like being trapped in a tornado, pushed and pulled in different, but seemingly equally distressing, directions by these fierce forces.
My reaction to today’s therapy is, right now, simply ‘woah’. The title statement kind of blew me away; I think she ‘gets’ me. We’re still not down to the nitty gritty (of course, we’re only 3 sessions in to an extended assessment) and we didn’t even get to the things I wrote about yesterday, but… Continue reading “It must be a battle for you to exist moment to moment, not just hour to hour” – Psychologist
So, rather than what diagnioses can often make appear to be quite simplistic, easily defined, and easy to pick apart/treat as entire ‘conditions’, I hope this post shows the complexity that lies behind all of this, and the many elements that often have to be tackled to treat severe mental illness.
Oh, I just don’t know what to do. Another day of darkness, sadness, tears, hopelessness, self-hatred, confusion, loss, pain and despair. I’m told that I have to distract myself (as I snottily sob at those advising me that I’m trying my hardest) but just for how long can one continue trying to distract themself with… Continue reading Distraction or Destruction: What’s with grumpy ‘today-Molly’?
When all is gloomy in your internal world, don’t forget to look around, for beauty and light can be found (however briefly) in the smallest of things
As I lay on the sofa, consumed with despair at my ineptitude at dealing with the mental and emotional pain that is all that I am, I slip into depersonalisation. The ghost of the body and whatever it is that is my consciousness split even farther apart than usual: my lips tingle, I realise I… Continue reading Despairing, Depersonalising, Disappearing
Today I’m not doing well and I need to talk to the crisis team. But I’m currently on a program of reducing my visits and contact with them (today being one of the first without a visit), so I feel like needing to speak to them today would be ‘giving in’ and letting them down,… Continue reading Going it Alone
The psychologist was far too nice to me – that’s the main thing that I took away from the second part of the assessment! And she’s so nice that I even got up the courage to tell her that., to chuckles from both of us. We talked about lots of things in roundabout ways, as… Continue reading The much-anticipated psych assessment