Past Me is Trying to Stop Me Giving Up

“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow. Don’t give up.” I just found this post-it stuck on a magazine that I never got round to reading during an horrific 6 month stay in hospital. The quote, written in my hand, couldn’t be more apt; right now I don’t want… Continue reading Past Me is Trying to Stop Me Giving Up

The Respect Lacking from the Mental Health System

The more that I come into contact with ‘the system’, the more I discover the disturbing and unforgivable lack of respect held for patients. It should be a core tenet of a system looking after human beings that each person is treated with the respect that everyone deserves. If that one aim is not achieved,… Continue reading The Respect Lacking from the Mental Health System

Heart-Aching Sadness

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to adequately describe this feeling. This combination of sadness, fear, panic, despair plus something that I can’t put my finger on which pierces me to my core, making me certain that I can’t carry on. There is something horribly wrong with me, something scary, something bad enough that… Continue reading Heart-Aching Sadness

Fading Away

I feel like I’m fading away right now. Well, I’ve been fading away for a very long time, but there was a brief period recently where a tiny bit of my solidity and colour seemed to be coming back. But those tiny bits of progress seem to have eroded and the fading resumed this past… Continue reading Fading Away

It’s All a Dream – Escape from Tortuous Turmoil

Oh how I desperately hope that soon I’ll wake up and find that this is all a dream. My brain isn’t broken. I’m not tortured by horrific thoughts and feelings. I’m not plagued by the certainty that I need to punish myself and/or die for the good of everyone. I’m not tortured by any contact… Continue reading It’s All a Dream – Escape from Tortuous Turmoil


“When will my reflection show who I am inside?” Sings Disney’s Mulan. In stark contrast to Mulan, I’m terrified that my reflection will start being truer to the ‘me’ that I’m frightened I really am. I’m scared that one day everyone will see the weak, selfish, pathetic, draining, hurtful, nuisance of a burden that I… Continue reading Reflection

The cost of anxiety

Originally posted on Jen in socks:
It is ‘normal’ (who even knows what normal is, nowadays?) to experience anxiety sometimes. An obvious example of this is when a person is in danger. The body uses symptoms of anxiety, such as super-fast heartbeat, shortness of breath, chest tightness and shaking to provoke a ‘fight or flight’ response to the dangerous…

Knee-Knocking Anxiety Shakes

Anxiety shakes have been a prominent problem for me for a long time. Right now they are particularly debilitating, violently wracking my body from head to toe, showing the true physicality of mental illness. Unfortunately, right now I’m having to rely on benzodiazapines to help both with these physical symptoms and the mental distress. That… Continue reading Knee-Knocking Anxiety Shakes

Laying in my PJs, Thinking

Laying in my PJs, thinking, overwhelmed, hiding, dozing, wishing time away, regretting, feeling lost, thinking some more. I’m going to bail on the appointment with stranger stand-in care coordinator tomorrow. It’s going to leave me devoid of professional support until my psychologist gets back from leave but I think going through with it would do… Continue reading Laying in my PJs, Thinking

The Darkness is Stronger, Visual Journal Thurs 21st – Sat 23rd April 2016

Just when I’d started to take the first tiny tip-toeing steps forward (with help) – trying to carve a little space in the darkness to paint with colour and fill with light – unfortunate circumstances, bad timing, my complicated problems/history and more combine to halt and erase progress. The darkness has much bigger erasers and… Continue reading The Darkness is Stronger, Visual Journal Thurs 21st – Sat 23rd April 2016

Starting the Weekend with a Black Eye

I seem to have managed to unknowingly give myself a black eye through compulsive rubbing/digging my knuckles in over my stressful day yesterday. I’m used to rubbing skin off when stressed/upset but this is a new one, I have to say! Kind of appropriate with how I’m feeling, though; looking almost as pitiful as I… Continue reading Starting the Weekend with a Black Eye