Today I’ve been the expected mess. Tonight I’m feeling the predicted muddle of lost, scared, exhausted, raw and sad. I’ve cried until my eyes were puffy beyond belief, sat in paralysed silence when I needed to be forming an important relationship, hyperventilated, expelled gallons of tears and snot, sobbed loudly and ungracefully, found my voice for my sobbed cries of despair once alone, and found myself falling into hopelessness once more.
Unexpectedly I’ve also been feeling a bit disappointed and let down, which I think comes down to my psychologist pointing out that actually the way this has happened isn’t right or fair. Until then I’d suspected that I might be blinded by fear. However, she isn’t one to pander, so I know that she was speaking the truth when commenting that she wouldn’t have let this happen had she been consulted because I’d been abandoned (both as it feels to me and as it effectively works with my specific problems, present circumstances and very bad timing).
I don’t normally allow myself to feel disappointed in anyone or anything but myself, so that’s new.
But what is done is done; there is no point debating the rights and wrongs of it all. All I can do is work out how to cope. Right now, I think that will involve not engaging. I can’t face seeing the stranger in charge of my care alone when I will wind myself up before and then no doubt be even more of a mess than I was today, wasting both of our time and energy; I can’t face a psychiatrist appointment without my care coordinator (again, this specifically comes down to complex past events); I can’t face a CPA, perhaps at all; I won’t be able to reach out to the crisis team; I won’t be able to reach out to the new care coordinator; I won’t be able to reach out at all; and I wouldn’t be able to trust anyone who reached out to me. None of this is good, none of this is what I want, none of this is what I need, none of this is anyone’s fault. It’s just how it is. I’m fortunate and I’m scared that I sound ungrateful, but it’s just all too difficult and painful for me. It’s dangerous but the only option right now is to pull away from all but therapy, and hope I miraculously get through my psychologist’s leave without regressing too much or beyond repair.
On a positive note, I did those things that I didn’t want to do last night. It all turned out as badly as I feared (except for my psychology session and the travel to/from it) but I did it, and that’s an achievement!