“When will my reflection show who I am inside?” Sings Disney’s Mulan.
In stark contrast to Mulan, I’m terrified that my reflection will start being truer to the ‘me’ that I’m frightened I really am. I’m scared that one day everyone will see the weak, selfish, pathetic, draining, hurtful, nuisance of a burden that I fear myself to be. I’m terrified that the people who call me brave and strong and selfless will realise that this couldn’t be further from the truth and will run in disgust and anger from the evil, unlovable creature inside of me. I wonder if those that abandon me have caught sight of that monster…if so, who can blame them?
The creature inside is what makes me need to punish myself, cause myself pain and wish for my own death. Perhaps if the creature inside became visible to everyone else they would desire those same things? By accidentally making them think that there’s more to me than this creature am I committing an unforgivable act of fraud?
I am lost.