Heart-Aching Sadness

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to adequately describe this feeling. This combination of sadness, fear, panic, despair plus something that I can’t put my finger on which pierces me to my core, making me certain that I can’t carry on.

There is something horribly wrong with me, something scary, something bad enough that even the professionals run for the hills.

The thought of hurting or upsetting people, causing stress or anger, or simply frustrating anyone scares me witless, yet I’m afraid that I do it without knowing; I interpret every last thing that happens as evidence of this inherent ‘badness’ within me and how it affects others; this alone kills me.

I’m in so much emotional pain and turmoil right now. I don’t know what to do. Oh how I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve sobbed that aloud this week, crying out in my uncontainable pain where usually I manage to stifle or hide my tears.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m too scared to reach out.

I CAN’T DO THIS.

Postscript: reading over this post, I see its especially disjointed nature reflects the incredibly broken state of my mind right now. Apologies for the incoherence!

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