1. Long term, severe mental illness is running/ruining my life.
2. I need long term therapy and support from mental health professionals to start to move forward.
3. Cruel and punitive treatment in a psychiatric hospital last year makes it terrifying and almost impossible for me to engage with mental health professionals/therapy. I am terrified of being betrayed and hurt again so can’t trust mental health professionals, no matter how hard I try.
4. I need trauma therapy due to point 3 before being able to start to deal with point 1.
5. I need to stabilise and be able to effectively self soothe before I can start trauma therapy.
6. I need to engage with therapy and trust my psychologist to receive the necessary treatment and help to stabilise.
5. The trauma from point 3 makes point 6 impossible and makes the original therapy, treatment and help that I should have been receiving equally impossible.
6. Return to start in an unbreakable, torturous loop.
No way forward; hopeless.
I also need to stop taking drawings/writing to show psychologist to help me explain because she wants me to verbalise everything (and doesn’t want to have to read in session/outside of our designated time) instead so won’t look at anything, which I understand but I just can’t do it, no matter how hard i try, because of what happened last year.
I am pathetic, useless and terrified.
Yesterday’s visual journal is very apt!
This is futile; I’m failing therapy; I’m wasting everyone’s time.
I’ve lost the very last droplets of hope.