Drugged Up and Despairing

Things are horrific. I am horrific. I want just a moment of peace. I want to give in.

Emergency drug regime is making me feel permanently drunk, amnesiac, and exhausted. It’s completely necessary for my safety but I’m conscious of how it makes my existence even less real, that the sedation is just a stop-gap, dulling things ever so slightly and for the short term.

Hospital was mentioned by an Approved Mental Health Professional yesterday, so things are being taken very seriously. šŸ˜•šŸ˜” But that really isn’t an option as far as I am concerned.

I am extremely poorly, drained, conflicted and overwhelmed but I’ve been trying my hardest. It just seems it isn’t enough and never will be. I don’t know why everyone else thinks I’m worth fighting for. I don’t understand how I have such amazing friends and family, as well as outstanding professionals doing their best for me. I don’t deserve any of this help and support. I don’t even know what I am, or if I am anything at all.

I don’t understand.

I don’t know what to do.

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2 thoughts on “Drugged Up and Despairing

  1. Can I be brave here and offer a very small piece of advice. I know I cannot begin to appreciate your own personal dilemma and what I have to say may be of no help to you at all. But I just know that this helped me at a time in my life where I felt there was no point. I found myself saying to myself one day “just look for one small measure of joy in each day”. What happened from there on-wards was this – once I found one small measure of joy in one day, I started looking for a small measure of joy in every day and over time some of my days become full of joy to my surprise. So now when I find myself down – I say to myself ‘Karen look for one small measure of joy in your day!’. I called this process ‘ticking the happy box’. I hope this might be of some help for you in anyway…sincerely Karen

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just hang in there! As hard as you can. You don’t need to understand – you have others that care for you, who can do the understanding for you. Just hold on for now. ā¤ Sending you lots of love and good vibes!

    Liked by 1 person

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