Without Hope and Too Unwell to Write

Currently, I’m struggling massively and am very unwell. I’ve started so many posts or thought of so much that I want to write about, but just haven’t been able.

It’s a fight to see each hour through. It’s a fight to continue breathing.  It’s a fight that I don’t know that I want to win.

I’m losing in every way. I don’t know why I keep going.

I’ve been trying so hard but it’s all so futile. I’m a tortured ball of sadness, fear and pain. I just want a second of peace. Even if that second means an eternity of nothing, the end of everything.  I can’t fight much longer. I can’t live like this much longer. My strength and bravery have gone entirely. I am now nothing but pain.

Why do my greatest efforts not bring even the tiniest improvements?
Why should I waste others’ time, love, resources and hope?
Why keep fighting when there is nothing but pain?
Why am I so irreversibly broken?
Why can’t I just give in?
Why?

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One thought on “Without Hope and Too Unwell to Write

  1. Hey, well done on writing this post despite feeling so unwell that in itself is an achievement. Unfortunately with mental illness there is no known cure that just ends it and you’re healthy again which really sucks but I believe that mentally ill people like us are tougher than people without mental illness because we fight against an enemy that lurks within our minds everyday which takes a whole lot of courage and strength. I think that instead of calling us the “mentally ill” we should be called badasses because you have to be a true badass to live with a mental illness. sometimes I’ve thought about ending it all myself and even started planning my suicide but after blogging and talking to counsellors about it I have no plans as of yet. I am suicidal at times but that’s to be expected when you have clinical depression. So remember you are a badass and it’s not your fault you are in this state, no one knows for definite what causes mental illness but it’s definetly not yourself. I hope this makes you feel at least a little better ❤ xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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