I’ve been writing a piece about the term ‘taking responsibility’ for a while, with some great input from the Twitter mental health community, so I’ll leave that aside for the moment and get down to what’s going on with me right now.
I’ve been under the crisis team for almost 2 weeks now and we’re at the stage where they’re encouraging me to take responsibility for my recovery – i.e. initiate interactions with them over the phone. The trouble is that I’m terrified both of phones and asking for help. That’s not their fault – this plan was made kindly and for the right reasons – but I am paralysed with terror. I’ve desperately needed to talk to them over the past two days, and have dialed their number at least 5 times, but the minute someone answers I am so terrified that I either instantly hang up or choke on my words before managing to utter an intelligent sound, until they hang up. Both scenarios wasting even more of the service’s time and no doubt annoying whoever is at the end of the phone. I’m terrified that they’re going to tell me tomorrow that they’re angry that I’m not ‘engaging’, even though I’m truly trying so hard. It takes so much from me just to press ‘call’.
I am so inept and hopeless.