***Please be aware that this post discusses suicide – please do not read on if there is any chance that this may trigger you or adversely affect your health in any way***
I’m starting to realise that this certainty that I have to die (and ASAP) is coming from something ‘other’, something completely out of my control. This ‘suicide monster’ lives within me, constantly persuading me that it’s right, but offering no way for me to put my arguments across or make my feelings known. It’s the puppet-master that I can’t escape, with a direct line straight to my brain. It hits me where it hurts and it is so convincing that I have no choice but to listen and believe. Ironically – cunningly – the only escape from it is death.
I can resist in small and strange (but draining) ways, but all that does is put off the inevitable.
Is this not further proof that I’m not human, that I’m not real, that I can never be normal? How is it possible to be so fully within the control of something that appears to others to be just part of yourself – just a group of thoughts – yet know yourself that it is not you, but controls you, with little way to override or resist it? All the time losing your strength and fight; all the time believing the Monster more and more.
Already the Monster is angry. It is desperate and that means that it gets more unpredictable, more uncontrollable. It’s thinking and planning – I hear it muttering and sometimes feel my lips moving in time with it (‘distraction’ never distracts the monster) – and frequently I get drawn in by it, lending my logic and intelligence to its plans, but it’s also wondering whether it’s worth acting rashly, rather than letting me try to sabotage its plans again.
I don’t know what will happen.
It’s stronger than me.