The Suicide Monster 

***Please be aware that this post discusses suicide – please do not read on if there is any chance that this may trigger you or adversely affect your health in any way***

I’m starting to realise that this certainty that I have to die (and ASAP) is coming from something ‘other’, something completely out of my control. This ‘suicide monster’ lives within me, constantly persuading me that it’s right, but offering no way for me to put my arguments across or make my feelings known. It’s the puppet-master that I can’t escape, with a direct line straight to my brain. It hits me where it hurts and it is so convincing that I have no choice but to listen and believe. Ironically – cunningly – the only escape from it is death. 

I can resist in small and strange (but draining) ways, but all that does is put off the inevitable. 

Is this not further proof that I’m not human, that I’m not real, that I can never be normal? How is it possible to be so fully within the control of something that appears to others to be just part of yourself – just a group of thoughts – yet know yourself that it is not you, but controls you, with little way to override or resist it? All the time losing your strength and fight; all the time believing the Monster more and more. 

Already the Monster is angry. It is desperate and that means that it gets more unpredictable, more uncontrollable. It’s thinking and planning – I hear it muttering and sometimes feel my lips moving in time with it (‘distraction’ never distracts the monster) – and frequently I get drawn in by it, lending my logic and intelligence to its plans, but it’s also wondering whether it’s worth acting rashly, rather than letting me try to sabotage its plans again.

I don’t know what will happen.

It’s stronger than me. 

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4 thoughts on “The Suicide Monster 

  1. I so hope you don’t get beaten by this monster. I was at a funeral yesterday for a young lady I knew who took her own life. She was just 40 and it was so sad as the room was filled with love for her and it just wasn’t enough to defeat the demons in her mind. Keep expressing these dark thoughts and try not to beat yourself up for needing others to keep you safe. Depression is a fucking awful illness because it’s as deadly as cancer while all the time telling you you don’t deserve to be helped. You absolutely do and just because it’s not getting better doesn’t mean it won’t. It’s just such a horrible illness to pin down as everyone’s brain responds differently to medication, has different triggers and experiences and heals at different rates. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe, even if the respite only lasts a moment. Cacoon yourself in bed with a cat and sleep if you need to and know that there are people out there who care and appreciate your gifts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You might not feel strong now but you battle with mental illness every day so you are stronger than most. You completely deserve all the support from the people who care about you and want to support you, I read your earlier post about your care co coordinators, and that’s what will help you fight this. You have no reason to listen to me, you don’t even know me and I don’t know what you’re going through but I feel compelled to write this because the suicide monster destroyed mine and my boyfriend’s life 4 months ago when it snatched him away. It’s hard to even breathe now and every second of every day I wish I could go back and change it. Things can and will get better.

    Liked by 1 person

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