I’m fed up of my life being balanced on such a precipice that each small, everyday decision feels like it might be the one that pushes me over the edge. Having finally come to terms with how completely messed up the wiring in my head is, meaning that the psychological interventions that help many actually act to make me more unwell, and my care coordinator working this out with me, I (we) are left in an impossible scenario. Especially as almost all other professionals find it very hard- and in many cases impossible – to wrap their heads around what’s going on with me so, to anyone but my care coordinator, I face the assumption of being lazy/stubborn/not trying to help myself, rather than fighting this extra battle of working out what exactly might push me over the edge and what might enable me to hang on a little longer (although, quite what the point of hanging on is, I’m still not sure).
So, I’m sat here today with no idea what to do. Completely and utterly conflicted. Do I let my body rest, appear to do ‘nothing’, even though every part of what’s left of me wants to be trying to throw all the things at feeling better? Or do I try to do one/some of the ‘right’ things, and probably actually feel worse? Which depletes me more? Which lowers my resilience and strength even further? Which shortens my lifespan fastest? Will the current agonising debate in my head of whether to stay in bed for a bit longer or get up be the one that results in a definitive answer to whether my life should end ASAP? Why should these tiny things have the enormous impact that they do?
I have no idea and I’m tired of these unending calculations about the most mundane of things.