The Importance of Good Therapeutic Relationships and the Terror of Personality Disorders

Therapeutic relationships: what a bloody complicated subject. These relationships are unlike any other – there is a natural power-imbalance and a one-way exchange of information/knowledge about the people involved. This means that those on the professional end of therapeutic relationships, especially with vulnerable patients, are left with the immensely difficult task of working out how… Continue reading The Importance of Good Therapeutic Relationships and the Terror of Personality Disorders

Trapped in a bubble of fear and panic

I’m absolutely consumed by my terror at the moment. Don’t know what to do about it. Don’t know where to turn. Don’t know what it’s OK to think and feel. 

Feeling very alone and very scared. 

I am NOT broken

“But I’m so irreversibly broken” – a constant refrain of mine. I’m so terrified that I’ve been broken so completely and for so long that there’s no coming back…and, in fact, nothing to ‘get back’ to as this all started before adolescence; I’m scared that there stopped being a ‘me’ after childhood, and the ‘me’ that could or should have developed during adolescence couldn’t and wasn’t allowed to. What if there isn’t and can never be a ‘me’? What if this is all there is?

An awesome crisis nurse has been trying to help me work through this, having heard this fear from me constantly and tried in earnest to persuade me that I’m not broken, that nothing is irreversible, and that there really is a ‘me’ that should have hope for a whole and happy future. She set me the task of producing a piece of art to try to remind myself of this and I wanted to share this with you all, as I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this.

So, this is a reminder for anyone struggling with their : you are NOT broken. It can be so hard to believe this because poorly brains can be so convincing about telling us we are hopelessly beyond repair. So, so hard. But if my art helps in any way, please feel free to print off a copy for yourself and, as the aforementioned awesome crisis nurse always says to me: “Say it until you believe it”:

I Am Not Broken - doodle chronicles.jpg

Sometimes you need something a little immature and light-hearted…

A light-hearted post if you need a bit of a smile this evening…. Part of my homework from an awesome crisis nurse who I have a great therapeutic relationship with was: 1) Google ‘Bristol Stool Chart’ 2) Google ‘Bristol Chocolate Chart’ 3) Giggle immaturely DO IT!*  This is also a great example of the part… Continue reading Sometimes you need something a little immature and light-hearted…

THANK F*** for awesome crisis nurses

One awesome crisis nurse brought a glimpse of light into an otherwise unbearable 72/96/120/144/168/192/…hours. And an pretty amazing general nurse on the ward, too. 

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to all you good’uns in these trying jobs. ❤

Insight and Wisdom from Boggle the Owl

I stumbled across Boggle the Owl again today, and my did I need to hear his insight and wisdom!

I love this little owl and the messages that the artist conveys through him – they’re a good reminder for myself and anyone else who struggles with their mental health. 

Here are 3 of my favourite pieces:

Boggle on Anxiety
Boggle on ‘Laziness’
Boggle on ‘Cries for Help’

What a poorly brain does to the good stuff

Earlier I wrote about the first tiny glimpse of optimism I’ve experienced in decades; tonight I wanted to follow up by writing about what a poorly brain can do to even those fleeting bits of positivity or hope. How I scare myself with the level of self-sabotage my brain undertakes automatically. Since my meeting earlier, my… Continue reading What a poorly brain does to the good stuff

Cautious Optimism

The O word? Did I really just use the O word? I can’t begin to remember the last time I used – and definitely not felt – optimism for myself in any way.  But today I met with the Manager/Social Worker, Occupational Therapist and Senior Recovery Worker from my placement for the first time since… Continue reading Cautious Optimism

Analogies to help understand emotional struggles

The Crisis Team Manager met with me today to start some safety management work and she came up with a great analogy for my current struggles to let myself feel anything with regards to my recent news, especially because I feel like a useless hypocrite for not feeling happy and not being even a little… Continue reading Analogies to help understand emotional struggles

THE News

This is a weird one: the first time I’ve written a blog post knowing full well that multiple professionals involved in my care are now/have been reading my blog! So, to you folks: please make sure that you know that what I write here are all unfiltered thoughts, intended to be put out there with anonymity,… Continue reading THE News

THE Assessment

*Trigger Warning: Explicit discussion of suicide attempts, self harm and suicidal ideation*   For 6 months now, my care has been focussed around and towards a long-term placement in a pilot therapeutic-community-come-recovery-house-come-something-all-of-its-own. The placement would be tailored towards high risk patients with long term complex needs (e.g. me), providing 24 hour CQC approved specialist support… Continue reading THE Assessment