The Crisis Team Manager met with me today to start some safety management work and she came up with a great analogy for my current struggles to let myself feel anything with regards to my recent news, especially because I feel like a useless hypocrite for not feeling happy and not being even a little bit ‘better’ since receiving confirmation that I had been accepted onto my placement:
“If I was really hungry, and you were cooking me a roast dinner, then all the way through the preparation and cooking I would still be hungry and probably be getting more so – just as things have heightened for you throughout the assessment and wait for a decision; if you then put the roast dinner at the other end of the table and told me that it was definitely mine, but that I couldn’t eat it for 2+ months, not only would I be just as hungry as before, I’d probably get increasingly desperate and confused over that time – my stomach certainly wouldn’t be full just because I knew the food was waiting. If you were better just because of the idea alone that you’d been accepted onto the placement, we’d all be questioning why on earth we’d thought you needed 24 hour care and support!”
A nice analogy and an impressive piece of wisdom! Logically, I know I’ve had unrealistic expectations of myself, but as a member of the crisis team reminded me just now over the phone: “Molly is Molly’s biggest critic”, and even though it choked me he made me repeat that “I am worthy of help”. Also, as the crisis manager pointed out, whilst congratulations are due for the hard work I put into the process and relief as none of us knew where we went from here if the placement fell through, we shouldn’t really expect overt happiness/relief at being assessed as being so unwell that I will need 24 hour support for the next 1-3 years! I need to persuade myself that it’s OK to feel scared and sad and who-knows-what.
Currently crying over leaving her:
I still can’t help beating myself up for all of it and thinking myself an ungrateful, hypocritical b*tch.
But that’s all part of the problem.