Why does that sound like the last in a range of ‘My First…” books for toddlers? I actually wish that book existed, to be quite honest…
But, you know what? It actually went OK! A lot of it was just talking over how this is going to work, that Relationally-oriented Integrated Therapy isn’t like a lot of standard therapies: its main focus is the therapeutic relationship (rather than the therapeutic relationship being one of the secondary – but still core and very important – elements of many other therapies), using this to work on my current and past experiences through ‘integrating’ a vast range of psychological techniques (e.g. psychodynamic, mentalization, DBT) as and when appropriate. Apparently all I have to do is bring myself and be brutally honest…which is a brand new experience for me and much more easily said than done! I tend to hide or minimise myself as much as possible in relationships, and I certainly never am honest about criticisms or anger or sadness or fear or boredom or confusion or hurt or…or…or… I have to try to remove all those filters in my head and remove my complete preoccupation with making sure the other person is OK above and beyond myself, and trust R* when she says that she will never take anything personally; apparently a lot of the most important work is done when the negative things are thought, felt and expressed honestly, in the moment. This is most definitely going to be a monumental challenge for me – it feels like (and, actually, my formulation letter from her suggests) I am hard-wired to minimise me/my needs and always sacrifice myself to look after everyone else, even the people that I most definitely have no responsibility or need to do that for…everyone is more important than me and their needs should be considered above mine. Especially considering that I’m not ever sure there is a ‘me’! So, as part of the start of this therapy it seems like we’re going to have to tear the cover off, rip the wiring out, and start from scratch. Has anyone got some spare pliers?!
But, despite my fears about whether or not I’m capable of this, as I spoke to the crisis team yesterday evening I spoke words that a crisis nurse who knows me very well made me pause and think about: “I’ve made a list of the positives from today and a list of my worries – they are almost equal and that is OK“. This might not seem like much, but for me it is truly monumental. My worries always massively outweigh any positives or tentative optimism, and I never allow myself to accept that it’s actually OK that I have worries/concerns or that these don’t negate any positives. The nurse said she’d never heard me say anything anywhere near as optimistic as that and we had a little emotional moment, where her happiness for me struck a chord and really made me think. Maybe we really are finally going to get somewhere with this!
So, what is this special and important list?
Psychotherapy Session 1 of 60 |
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Good Things |
Worries |
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Cautious, guilt-ridden gratitude and *whispers* optimism continues…
*R = Psychotherapist/Clinical Psychologist
** C = New Care Coordinator