These are one of those days that I’m not sure it’s possible to really ‘get’ unless you’ve been here; actually, even being here right now, I don’t get it.
Today was mainly spent sat on the floor crying. Overwhelmed with paralysing fear, despair and self-hatred…only growing further as more time passed whilst I was a ball of tears. Things are tough at the moment: this is the time of year where all of the massive triggers start. This is the time of year when I just don’t think I can carry on coping with my current struggles, current circumstances, recent events, the things that led to those triggering events and with the triggers combined; when one more day of this agony makes me want to just put myself out of my misery. And I am scared that that could happen. The professionals who know me well are scared that that could happen. Because we all want me to get to my placement and get a good start on therapy but we all also know that my distress levels have already been beyond the intolerable, that I’ve already gone beyond my limits and acted as such, that this time last year was the biggest danger point yet this year I am in so much worse of a position.
Except this year there’s also a bit of hope, a pathway forward that could lead to life, not just postponing death for a while longer. And I am desperate to work hard for that. Yet I am pathetic. Proven pathetic with my inability to cope with disteess. I might do something awful. I might do something final. When I don’t actually want to but just because I simply cannot bear the bombardment of indescribable emotional pain. That is sad, and fills me with self-loathing which further fuels this all.
So, having had a day wallowing in this, slowly dissolving into a puzzle of tears, not even able to get myself off of the floor, this evening I somehow managed to do STUFF: I went to the GP, I did some art, I compiled the results of brief research into LGBTQ+ mental health care. And that is bloody hard stuff right now.
So, I am still a tearful, drained, stinky, hungry, hopeless blob of fizzling anxiety, sadness and fear BUT through the thick fog of that is the tiniest glimmer of pride. I did things; small things but still actual, tangible things.
What a bloody contradictory mess I am!