In therapy today we discussed what my psychotherapist called my “perplexing” notion of what effect my death would have as well as the disproportionate and unusually fast jump that my head makes from me upsetting someone or having any kind of negative impact on any other human to the solution being my death. We came up with a simplified summary being:
This state of being a Non-Thing means that my death is more akin to throwing an object out than an actual human dying – and it also lends itself to many of my moral rules: I cannot have a negative impact or put myself first because that is a Non-Thing being given priority over a real human; I cannot experience good things because Non-Things aren’t deserving of love, friendship and happiness in the way humans are.
The two combined make for a very dangerous situation – especially when the shelf-life of this Non-Thing has already been exceeded, so it’s almost like chucking out gone off milk to make room in the fridge for more useful things than chucking out a perfectly useful table. That makes it an easy and instinctive decision to get rid of the Non-Thing at the tiniest bit of upset, the smallest thing that goes wrong, the most simple mistake, any hint of negative emotion from a real person.
My psychologist says this is sad.
This Non-Thing thinks it is basic truth and the natural course of things.