The Start

This week brought the start of my specialist placement – a residential, psychologically-based project offering 1-3 years of 24/7 support led by a clinical team for particularly complex cases, and especially people struggling severely with personality disorders. It’s my first time of having contact with any specialist service, and bizarrely enough it’s the first time this placement has had contact with a ‘service user’: they opened the day that I moved in and I’m currently the only person here. So we’re all learning together.

After 4 months on an acute psychiatric ward, several years of constant self-damage and near death through suicide, and a whole lifetime of severe yet untreated mental illness, this is the most bizarre situation I have ever found myself in.

The staff are LOVELY. The house is beautiful. My room is nice. The people here care.

But it’s bloody quiet.

And I currently have a team of 5 staff during the weekdays and 2 at weekends/overnight…just to me! Amazingly, they’re not making me feel at all overwhelmed.

Everything is just incredibly surreal.

And I feel so much guilt for getting help that I don’t deserve, and that I know so many others need. I’ve taken small steps that I don’t feel are enough. I’m terrified of ‘wasting’ this all. I’m afraid of letting everyone down.

I’m struggling to open up, show my emotions and talk in any way that isn’t superficial, but they tell me this is just the start and is ok.

There are constant battles in my head.

Being in a place that seems good for me doesn’t fit with the monster in my head.

And being in a place I’ve been waiting for for over a year still feels like a dream.

But 6 days in and I’m still here; I’ve not woken up yet.

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