***TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE, NEAR DEATH, BEREAVEMENT***
Yesterday, my family were told to prepare themselves for my death and were called in to Resus to say their goodbyes. This was at my own hand. We’ve had many close calls – a stint in intensive care, 3 lots of CPR+adrenaline, 5+ admissions to high dependency units, 10+ visits to Resus, dozens of trips to A&E over the last couple of years – but this is the one that my mum has found the hardest and scariest. This is the one where they were properly forewarned that they needed to stay goodbye. This is the one where I scared the shit out of the people I love the most. The one where those around me went through the most hell.
And I believed I was doing it for the good of everyone else. I believe there’s a monster inside of me that damages everyone I come in to contact with and any form of progress/recovery is actually the monster gaining in strength over the illusion of ‘me’ that’ I’ve used to suppress the monster over the past 2 and a bit decades of my life.
This is when I’ve hated myself the most.
All that I put my family and friends through, all that I put the staff at my placement through (who had to try to keep me conscious over the phone and then also try to find me in a forest, direct ambulances to me, save my life when it was so precariously in the balance – let down by me). Put through all of this because of me. Because of that monster…that monster that I’m scared is actually at the core of me (see here). This is where I showed the toxicity inside me.
This is another occasion where I escaped with life that I don’t deserve when there are so many people more deserving of life out there losing it every day.
This is a face that shouldn’t be shared, but that I will because I think it’s important that we see the reality behind mental illness even if that comes at my own embarrassment; this is the face of a destroyed woman, wracked with guilt and shame:
Sorry, folks who know and love me: please know that all I’ve ever done is for you (or what the monster tells me is for you).
Love to you all xx