***TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal Ideation and Self Harm***
I wrote this the night before a very close call with death, to try to help explain to those helping me what I feel and experience – why I had to sacrifice my life.
“I’m terrified at the moment that any sort of hope or progress is going to be something that gives the monster inside me power and control – that the monster actually IS me. I fear that the people who’ve hurt or left me saw that toxic monster where maybe others hadn’t spotted it and that I kind of unintentionally learnt the valuable ability to protect others from the monster because these visceral, painful reactions of others made me suppress the monster to initially protect myself from being hurt but then learnt as I grew that the most important thing was to protect others from the monster that still ravaged inside of me, hidden from the outside world for a couple of decades until it tearing me apart internally wasn’t enough any more and it had to force me in to hurting myself physically and then to wiping myself from existence. What if this monster isn’t just inside of me, but is actually the very core of me? I can’t risk it doing even one tenth of what it does to me emotionally, mentally or physically to anyone else. What if this little glimmer of potential hope I can see from being here means that the monster gets that bit more of a grip on me and life, until I can’t slay it to protect the world any more? Doesn’t that mean that to protect everyone else, I can’t risk even carrying on existing with a glimmer of potential hope? Because my only certain way of protecting everyone else is slaying the monster by killing myself now before the monster takes control enough that it won’t let ‘me’ slay it any more. What if simply staying alive with the tiny hint of potential progress/recovery/whatever you want to call it leads to the real ‘me’ – the monster – becoming too strong and too attached to life to save everyone else from the monster? What if the monster hurts everyone else the way it hurts me?
And, selfishly, what if this is the monster cunningly winning (if there is a ‘me’, a Molly, that isn’t toxic to the core) by playing on my need to protect everyone else? What if it knows me so well now to know to play dirty by convincing me that it is me and that to protect everyone else I must die? Right when I finally feel like I’m in the right place to try to work on recovery, on finding a life for Molly.
I’ve been bargaining with the monster for more time to think before making a final decision by hurting myself. But I don’t know if I can bargain any more or if the price now is life either way. I need the fucking monster to shut up a minute so I can think straight but that ain’t happening!
I’m desperate for help at this point to work out how to stay alive and keep everyone safe but that brings me back to the fear that even just more time is dangerous for everyone by maybe making the monster too strong to slay.