Trigger Warning: Discussion of Suicide
I choose to live. Or, I hope I do, anyway.
My life, my choices, my personality, my ‘needs’ – or lack of – have up until now always been decided based on the good of others, not for me. I don’t even come in the top 10 of priorities considered when I think or talk about ending my own life.
This past week – the join between 2017 and 2018 – I have spent the majority of it in general hospital either comatose or a sobbing, psychotic, paranoid, memory-less mess due to a serious attempt on my life. I came back to my placement last night and today met with the managers to figure out what we do from here…there are 2 such powerful conflicting sides: one that works really hard on therapeutic tools, builds strong therapeutic relationships (when that comes particularly hard for me), and spends a lot of time and energy to recover (or work out what ‘recover’ could mean for me). BUT then there is the other side: this one holds absolutely no value for myself (in fact, values myself as a minus figure – always taking away from those around me)…this is the one that is filled with guilt and self-hatred, that sees the toxicity spread out from me far and wide, and subsequently feels that, no matter what chance or hope I am given, it is simply wrong for me to live at the detriment to others. What a bloody mess.
It gets particularly messy when, for the first time in my entire life, I feel like I might finally be on the road to finding and living as ‘me’ (whatever that may be!)…my current placement and the group of professionals working with me have for the first time ever (at times) helped me to feel as if life might exist in the future for me, that I deserve life, that I deserve to find out who ‘Molly’ is – not what Molly needs to be for everyone else.
Unfortunately, a large part of my brain – within a second of being posed those choices – jumps in and screams “DIE”. Whenever thoughts turn to what the best thing I can do for everyone around me is, my death is the only conclusion I can come to that causes minimal hurt and pain, and actually solves many problems for others. That suicide monster has such a strong grip on my brain, digging its claws in further the more I try to rip it off, that when I have been getting those first little glimmers it has clung on tighter, telling me that it is selfish to give myself a chance to let those glimmers turn in to a bit of a sparkle or even a beam of light. As much as I am desperate to experience what it’s like to be an actual human, rather than the inanimate object with a purpose that I’ve seen myself as until now, to me that comes at the cost of spreading the toxicity of the terror in my brain on to others; that is the hurdle that I always stumble at. That is where I always fail. That is where I die, or come damn near to doing so.
Today, I had a good talk with the Clinical and Registered Managers of my placement and we discussed this battle. We decided that I need to choose life for me. And they/we are right. Until this stumbling block of everything I do being primarily for everyone else is removed, I honestly don’t think I will survive this for much longer. That doesn’t mean that I know what choosing life is or how I do it.
But I figured the first step is probably to say it out loud, so here goes…
Today, on 2nd January 2018, I CHOOSE LIFE.