Today brought my 9 month CPA (Care Planning Approach meeting) at my placement, which I’m at for intensive treatment for Personality Disorder using Mentalization Based Therapy (alongside medication and some other bits and bobs!).
These meetings are always stressful for me – and this one brought its own struggles in that I have a very distressing and emotionally difficult event coming up that we had to plan. I got 2 hours 17 minutes sleep from over 12 hours in bed utilitising sleeping tablets and extra sedative medication on top of my usual drowsy cocktail and was wringing my hands until it looked like I was going to pull my fingers off during the meeting (cheerily pointed out by the nursing manager! 😂). This stress comes from so many horrifically bad and truly traumatic experiences of such meetings over years of being in mental health services. But today was different…this place is different.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say that things are hard. Life is still a real struggle and involves a lot of hard work in therapy, groups and 1:1 talks with staff to get through. But I am incredibly fortunate to have the care & support of the professionals I do right now. That help has enabled me to make progress that was previously unimaginable. Yes, I am still ‘locked up’, without unescorted leave, with someone checking on me every 30 minutes 24/7 and yes I am still hours away from home but I am alive and I am changing.
It has been so long of no help, criticism, damage from services & neglect but we are finally HERE and here offers hope & help that I never thought possible.