Anxious Doom

That feeling of anxious doom like a lead weight. Frazzled brain. Tears pouring. Debilitating fear. Constant panic.

Poorly × Police

​Life-threateningly poorly, call for medical help (and speak to lovely duty mental health worker over the phone, albeit from the wrong team because there was no answer from the crisis/emergency mental health team) but the only available solution was for the police to secretly be dispatched and make uninvited entry into my home. I admit… Continue reading Poorly × Police


Why am I still here? Why do I continue to face days and nights of nothing but endless pain? Why do I fight so hard to do the simplest of things (getting up, sitting upright, getting a drink, getting dressed)? Why do I lay myself emotionally bare to professionals, terrified that I will only get… Continue reading Why?

What a Mess

An hour and a half sobbing with interim care co & crisis team manager. I am defeatist, they are positive. I am hopeless, they are kind. I am full of guilt, they want to help. I don’t think there is any helping me. I don’t think anyone should have to help. I’m in an unbreakable… Continue reading What a Mess

I Hate This

Simple as that. It is too painful simply to exist right now. I hate this. I hate mental illness. I hate me. I want it to be over but I don’t know how to end the former and still be left with a ‘me’; I don’t feel strong enough for this fight; I don’t even… Continue reading I Hate This

The Darkness is Stronger, Visual Journal Thurs 21st – Sat 23rd April 2016

Just when I’d started to take the first tiny tip-toeing steps forward (with help) – trying to carve a little space in the darkness to paint with colour and fill with light – unfortunate circumstances, bad timing, my complicated problems/history and more combine to halt and erase progress. The darkness has much bigger erasers and… Continue reading The Darkness is Stronger, Visual Journal Thurs 21st – Sat 23rd April 2016