The first chapter of my first ever dabble in creative writing can be found here. Below, is my draft of a second chapter. As always, thoughts and whether you are finding it interesting are welcome! Chapter 2 Darkness. Concrete beneath my face and the sounds of chaos around me. An incessant squawking from the crashed… Continue reading Chapter 2: The Seedlings of a Story
is a painting I did last week when really struggling; I just needed to get what I was feeling out so it is a rough, emotion-filled picture with no fore-thought or plan. It depicts the dark, overwhelming monster of mental illness feeding on despair and blocking out the colour of the world and vibrancy of life. It can feel like the very substance of ‘you’ is being sucked away, becoming more and more faint, dominated by this inexplicable darkness…yet you know that just out of reach is a colourful, textured and varied world.
Today I created a range of motivational mental health related posters with a doodled ‘wise hedgehog’ and colourful mixed media design whilst at the Acute Community Unit.
I’m not sure where the combination came from, but out popped this first one with a message that I myself really need reminding of:
As well as one that sprung from a difficult conversation I had just had with the crisis team manager:
With 2 other mental health themed ones:
And one more to do with art/creativity:
After a lot of enthusiasm on Twitter and some requests, I have put these designs up for sale on Zazzle- whether you yourself would like a reminder of any of these messages or if you know someone whose day might be brightened by receiving one of these…Posters can be purchased from this link: https://www.zazzle.co.uk/thedoodlechronicles
Plus, if you buy in the next few days, you can get 20% off with the code JULYSAVINGS20.
Let me know what you think about my wise little hedgehog… 🙂
I had my first session of art therapy for around 8 months today and was so glad to get back in to it. There’s a lot going on below the surface that I’m struggling to express at the moment and I feel like I was able to connect with that through paint.
The reality of looking and saying “I’m fine” when struggling with complex mental illness and acute crises.
What my Occupational Therapist is trying to convince me to do
Art therapy for me is a valuable and unique way of experiencing and expressing my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and sometimes a rare chance to just be a bit playful or make something a bit pretty, depending on what is going on for me at the time. I’ve been lucky enough to receive a month’s worth of sessions (once or twice weekly, depending on bank holidays and the therapist’s leave) which come to an end on Monday so I thought now was a good opportunity to reflect upon what I’ve created over the past month.
From the start of this batch of sessions, the Art Psychotherapist, who has worked with me before, decided that a great project for me would be for me to try to test out creating very large, free, uncontrolled pieces where possible as I tend to let perfectionism and anxiety hold me back into creating very small and controlled pieces rather than letting my time in art therapy tap into the more raw emotions. We’ve both been pleased with the results of this project and the difference we have noticed in me whilst I create these pieces. It has been freeing and a completely new experience for me.
So, what have I done? Below is a taster. Most of these are created on A2 or A1 paper, mainly using paint (whether that me using standard brushes, rollers, sponges, fingers, or even squirting straight from the bottle), but sometimes using pens or pastels or a mix of media. Some of it is much more a reflection of my internal state whilst others were more about trying to be a bit playful and have some fun. I hope this gives some insight into what Art Therapy can look like.
I’d really recommend anyone who has the opportunity gives art therapy a go; it is nothing to do with ‘Art’ or ‘talent’ or ‘ability’ but about connecting to and expressing your thoughts/feelings/emotions or being a bit playful at times when that feels impossible. I hadn’t done any kind of art since the start of secondary school (and even then that was begrudgingly) when I first tried art therapy, and believe me I was beyond sceptical, but look at all that is has sparked in me since…!
My suicide monster is sneaky. It convinces me that my immense toxicity impacts everyone around me to such an extent that I HAVE to kill myself or face the guilt and sheer ‘wrongness’ of continuing to inflict myself on the world. It creates a cold, calculating, detached haze in order to stop the sadness or fear the teeny bit of me left might feel in case that selfishly stops me acting for the greater good of everyone.
Today’s art therapy was about going big and expressive as a step towards losing my ever-present intense control & perfectionism
Tonight, a lovely crisis nurse set me homework to draw a picture from one of the photos that I took with her manager on Friday. I didn’t think I was going to be able to do it. I’ve had an awful day; I’ve been pathetic; I haven’t functioned and I wasn’t sure I could manage anything… Continue reading Artful Achievement
Feeling hopeless and helpless. Useless beyond words. Darkness spreading to all that I touch; a shadow upon the world, fighting impossible internal battles to work out the least of all evils. Hating myself and my impact on those around me. Desperate for peace.
Barely hanging on
Only by the tiniest of threads
That thread is painful and tearing me apart
So far gone that help (asking/accepting) is just dragging others with me
Losing grip fast…and I’ve already lost it completely on multiple occasions
Losing the strength to carry on fighting and holding on even faster