TOXCITY LEVEL EXCEEDED

TRIGGER WARNING: overdose

Today has been a day of fighting that bastard of a monster who takes control of my head and heart. I think of him like this:

That monster convinced me that even by sitting with other patients or staff I would spread the toxicity inside me to them and even worse that I was having such a bad impact that I couldn’t even just avoid people but would have to die.

I found some tablets on leave. I grabbed them. I meant to take them to punish myself.

But that little bit of Molly somehow battled past the monster long enough for me to grab a member of staff I know and trust. And I wrote a letter explaining, handed it over, and then had a chat with her and a nurse.

The staff were lovely- truly- but I still don’t know if I did the right thing or if it was really selfish of me to not remove myself for the good of everyone else. I still couldn’t sit with my usual group of friends here after the talks and PRN.

A very sad, scared and confused Molly ūüė¶

A Day in the Life (Visual Journal) – Mental Health Awareness Week

Please Don’t Suffer in Silence: Where to Turn for Support Over the Holidays

Infographic signposting the help available at this time of year when many people find themselves feeling more alone with their struggles. 
[I made it last year, so really should update it, but thought it was worth sharing in its current form (typos & all) just in case it can help someone]

Mental Illness Makes Me Feel Like An Illusion Of A Person

Full of nothing but pain.

Fooling the world.

Undeserving of the help and kindness that real people deserve. 

Awareness Without Provision 

This week is suicide prevention week and there’s a lot of discussion and debate about the support appropriate for those in suicidal crisis – how to prevent one killing oneself and, better, how to prevent reaching such a crisis point. However, what often gets missed is the provision available to help those in need –… Continue reading Awareness Without Provision¬†

Poorly √ó Police

‚ÄčLife-threateningly poorly, call for medical help (and speak to lovely duty mental health worker over the phone, albeit from the wrong team because there was no answer from the crisis/emergency mental health team) but the only available solution was for the police to secretly be dispatched and make uninvited entry into my home. I admit… Continue reading Poorly √ó Police

Drugged Up and Despairing

Things are horrific. I am horrific. I want just a moment of peace. I want to give in. Emergency drug regime is making me feel permanently drunk, amnesiac, and exhausted. It’s completely necessary for my safety but I’m conscious of how it makes my existence even less real, that the sedation is just a stop-gap,… Continue reading Drugged Up and Despairing

The Woman Responsible For Me Still Breathing

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation (please take care!) Today my care coordinator saw me for the first time in what must be approaching two and a half months, after being unwell herself. It is no understatement to say that this woman is the reason I’m still breathing today, having somehow broken through those otherwise indestructible walls… Continue reading The Woman Responsible For Me Still Breathing

I Wish

I wish I knew why this is so hard. I wish I knew why I can’t cope. I wish others weren’t affected by my struggles. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew why I’m not allowed to just give in. I wish I knew why I am so pathetic. I wish… Continue reading I Wish