Monstrous Mental Illness

is a painting I did last week when really struggling; I just needed to get what I was feeling out so it is a rough, emotion-filled picture with no fore-thought or plan. It depicts the dark, overwhelming monster of mental illness feeding on despair and blocking out the colour of the world and vibrancy of life. It can feel like the very substance of ‘you’ is being sucked away, becoming more and more faint, dominated by this inexplicable darkness…yet you know that just out of reach is a colourful, textured and varied world.

TOXCITY LEVEL EXCEEDED

TRIGGER WARNING: overdose

Today has been a day of fighting that bastard of a monster who takes control of my head and heart. I think of him like this:

That monster convinced me that even by sitting with other patients or staff I would spread the toxicity inside me to them and even worse that I was having such a bad impact that I couldn’t even just avoid people but would have to die.

I found some tablets on leave. I grabbed them. I meant to take them to punish myself.

But that little bit of Molly somehow battled past the monster long enough for me to grab a member of staff I know and trust. And I wrote a letter explaining, handed it over, and then had a chat with her and a nurse.

The staff were lovely- truly- but I still don’t know if I did the right thing or if it was really selfish of me to not remove myself for the good of everyone else. I still couldn’t sit with my usual group of friends here after the talks and PRN.

A very sad, scared and confused Molly šŸ˜¦

Getting Divorced + Moving House + Getting Married

I’m struggling to deal with the sadness and emotional pain ofmy upcoming move to a new placement. And I’m giving myself a hard time about that considering how much I’ve fought to get to this placement, knowing that it is what I need. Then today came along a great analogy from one of the workers… Continue reading Getting Divorced + Moving House + Getting Married

The Beginning of the End or The End of the Beginning

Here I am again, waiting for my whole world to be turned upside down. After the specialist placement that I had been waiting for for a year closed for financial reasons after just 6 months of being open, giving just 28 days notice (even though assessment with them took 3 months and any potential alternatives… Continue reading The Beginning of the End or The End of the Beginning

A Day in the Life (Visual Journal) – Mental Health Awareness Week

“Please, tell me more about my own Goddamn experiences”

Well this really struck a chord; unfortunately I think it will with anyone suffering from mental illnesses, and especially those with the more stigmatized ones such as personality disorders. I genuinely couldn’t even begin to count the amount of times that mental health professionals, with confidence and certainty, tell me rather than ask me (AKA… Continue reading “Please, tell me more about my own Goddamn experiences”

Forget All That You’re Not

These beautiful words were shared with me today and I just wanted to pass this important message on…

…I hope you can take them to heart and try to remember all that you ARE rather than what you’re not.

Awareness Without Provision…Still

Unfortunately my post from last year’s Suicide Awareness Day/Week is still sadly pertinent. Source: Awareness Without Provision  “This week is suicide prevention week and thereā€™s a lot of discussion and debate about the support appropriate for those in suicidal crisis ā€“ how to prevent one killing oneself and, better, how to prevent reaching such a… Continue reading Awareness Without Provision…Still

“But you laughed yesterday!”

Burn on hand, duty doctor called in: “But you laughed yesterday! The staff are really confused that this happened after.” FFS. Nothing more misunderstood than ‘presentation’/public front vs what’s actually going on in reality in mental health. I’d told people all day and for the previous days what was going on, that there were horrific… Continue reading “But you laughed yesterday!”

Hold On Pain Ends

Today’s Occupational Therapy activity was stone painting. I made something I need to try to convince myself:

Hold
On
Pain
Ends

Being a Non-Thing

In therapy today we discussed what my psychotherapist called my “perplexing” notion of what effect my death would have as well as the disproportionate and unusually fast jump that my head makes from me upsetting someone or having any kind of negative impact on any other human to the solution being my death. We came… Continue reading Being a Non-Thing

Liver Damage

Trigger Warning: Suicide  I won’t go in to specific details (although elements – but not all – will be easily deduced) but on Friday I fully intended to take my own life and made a very serious attempt at doing so…just a week after my last attempt.  After 3 days on a High Dependency Unit… Continue reading Liver Damage

Relationally-oriented Integrated Psychotherapy

I have to admit, upon reading those words today, for a moment I suspected my psychotherapist might have been making it up. But no, it’s a thing! And not just a thing, but actually a good-sounding thing. Amazingly, I’m being offered 60 sessions of this therapy, weekly, realistically taking us over 18 months of work together…starting tomorrow.… Continue reading Relationally-oriented Integrated Psychotherapy

THE Assessment

*Trigger Warning: Explicit discussion of suicide attempts, self harm and suicidal ideation*   For 6 months now, my care has been focussed around and towards a long-term placement in a pilot therapeutic-community-come-recovery-house-come-something-all-of-its-own. The placement would be tailored towards high risk patients with long term complex needs (e.g. me), providing 24 hour CQC approved specialist support… Continue reading THE Assessment