I Choose To Live

Trigger Warning: Discussion of Suicide I choose to live. Or, I hope I do, anyway. My life, my choices, my personality, my ‘needs’ – or lack of – have up until now always been decided based on the good of others, not for me. I don’t even come in the top 10 of priorities considered… Continue reading I Choose To Live

A Bizarre Christmas Eve

*Trigger Warning – Self Harm* 10 human stitches 5 hours in A&E 4 family visitors 3 hugs from a psych liaison nurse 2 bags of donated presents And maybe a blood transfusion soon. Merry Christmas! 😂

A Year Ago Today

Trigger warning: discussion of suicide attempts and method A year ago today, I hung myself in intensive care, having already come very close to dying several days earlier. This week has been an horrific struggle, and I very nearly died 2 weeks ago as well. But today a recovery worker at my placement handed me… Continue reading A Year Ago Today

A Particularly Jam-Packed Day at a Placement for Complex Mental Illness

Tomorrow has become a bit of an unwieldy beast: 11am Review with Senior Recovery Worker 1.30pm House Meeting 2pm Interviewing New Staff 2pm Session with in-house OT Hoping that overnight I learn how to split myself in to 3 😂 times will be changed but that itself is panic-worthy! ALL THE STRESS in one day.

The Day My Family Said Goodbye

***TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE, NEAR DEATH, BEREAVEMENT*** Yesterday, my family were told to prepare themselves for my death and were called in to Resus to say their goodbyes. This was at my own hand. We’ve had many close calls –  a stint in intensive care, 3 lots of CPR+adrenaline,  5+ admissions to high dependency… Continue reading The Day My Family Said Goodbye

The Monster and Me

***TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal Ideation and Self Harm*** I wrote this the night before a very close call with death, to try to help explain to those helping me what I feel and experience – why I had to sacrifice my life.  “I’m terrified at the moment that any sort of hope or progress is going… Continue reading The Monster and Me

How Does This All Work?

WARNING: DISCUSSION OF THE THOUGHT PROCESSES SURROUNDING SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL IDEATION – PLEASE TAKE CARE READING ON IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED OR UPSET BY THIS As I start typing this, it’s 2am, and I’ve only just finished a 3 hour conversation with the person working the ‘waking night’ shift at my placement, who… Continue reading How Does This All Work?