9 Month Hospital Review: Previously Unimaginable Progress

Today brought my 9 month CPA (Care Planning Approach meeting) at my placement, which I’m at for intensive treatment for Personality Disorder using Mentalization Based Therapy (alongside medication and some other bits and bobs!). These meetings are always stressful for me – and this one brought its own struggles in that I have a very… Continue reading 9 Month Hospital Review: Previously Unimaginable Progress

6 Months in to Personality Disorder Placement

As I type this, I’ve been meaning to do so for so long that I’m now actually closer to 7 months of being here. Where is here? Well, to me it is the place that has given me hope of a life. For the first and only time, I feel like I no longer am… Continue reading 6 Months in to Personality Disorder Placement

A Bit of My Leg Will Be In My Arm

**Trigger Warning: mention of self harm and medical treatment** Today I found out that I need to have surgery to deal with some self harm that otherwise won’t heal. It’s one of those things that I know I have to deal with as potential repercussions of symptoms of my illness such as self harm- although… Continue reading A Bit of My Leg Will Be In My Arm

TOXCITY LEVEL EXCEEDED

TRIGGER WARNING: overdose

Today has been a day of fighting that bastard of a monster who takes control of my head and heart. I think of him like this:

That monster convinced me that even by sitting with other patients or staff I would spread the toxicity inside me to them and even worse that I was having such a bad impact that I couldn’t even just avoid people but would have to die.

I found some tablets on leave. I grabbed them. I meant to take them to punish myself.

But that little bit of Molly somehow battled past the monster long enough for me to grab a member of staff I know and trust. And I wrote a letter explaining, handed it over, and then had a chat with her and a nurse.

The staff were lovely- truly- but I still don’t know if I did the right thing or if it was really selfish of me to not remove myself for the good of everyone else. I still couldn’t sit with my usual group of friends here after the talks and PRN.

A very sad, scared and confused Molly šŸ˜¦

So the second week begins…

I can’t believe it’s the start of my second full week at New Placement already; it’s one of those weird time vortex situations that feels both like I only arrived yesterday and have been here for months at the same time. This week I get to try out a few more things – I’ve mainly… Continue reading So the second week begins…

Week-i-versary

So, I’ve been at my new placement a week. It kind of feels like forever in both good and bad ways…I’ve met some really lovely fellow patients who I enjoy spending time with and some nice staff who seem to genuinely care but it has also felt a little claustrophobic at times with some big… Continue reading Week-i-versary

“Please, tell me more about my own Goddamn experiences”

Well this really struck a chord; unfortunately I think it will with anyone suffering from mental illnesses, and especially those with the more stigmatized ones such as personality disorders. I genuinely couldn’t even begin to count the amount of times that mental health professionals, with confidence and certainty, tell me rather than ask me (AKA… Continue reading “Please, tell me more about my own Goddamn experiences”

A Bizarre Christmas Eve

*Trigger Warning – Self Harm* 10 human stitches 5 hours in A&E 4 family visitors 3 hugs from a psych liaison nurse 2 bags of donated presents And maybe a blood transfusion soon. Merry Christmas! šŸ˜‚

2-Week-iversary at Placement

This time a fortnight ago, I had been in my new home for just a couple of hours. Except, my new home is a specialist mental health placement for people with complex needs (focusing especially on personality disorders), set up to offer 24 hour help and support for between 1 and 3 years – a… Continue reading 2-Week-iversary at Placement

Well Placed Dark Humour in Mental Health

With the right patient and the right professional (and I really do mean that – it has to be a good balance and appropriate) a bit of dark humour can go a long way. My keyworker from the crisis team came to check on me on the ward this evening. I told him that my… Continue reading Well Placed Dark Humour in Mental Health

Hold On Pain Ends

Today’s Occupational Therapy activity was stone painting. I made something I need to try to convince myself:

Hold
On
Pain
Ends

A Befuddling Day

Trigger warning: discussion of suicide.  I was supposed to die today. My plans were firm, my reasoning was definite in my head, I’d found ways to say goodbye without actually saying the words. I was meant to be dead.  Then, in a frenzy, I had a phonecall from the crisis team manager who didn’t have… Continue reading A Befuddling Day

Using Art Therapy to Test Out Freedom, Expression and Imperfection

Today’s art therapy was about going big and expressive as a step towards losing my ever-present intense control & perfectionism

Am I Embarrassed?

TW Self Harm/Suicide  Last night I took quite a large overdose. It felt like I was powerless to the ‘monster’ within in a way that I can’t explain; but suffice to say, it is and was a terrifying situation. And one thar endured much guilt: for causing worry and a sleepless night for my mum,… Continue reading Am I Embarrassed?

Tales from General Hospital: When General Nurses Beat Psych Liaison Hands Down

24 hours into an emergency stay in general hospital, at least 16 more hours until we know if there’s any permanent damage…  Psych liaison nurse, bounding on to the ward with her most projecting voice, no hello: “I’m from the psych team! So are you embarrassed and ashamed about what you did?”  General nurse jumps… Continue reading Tales from General Hospital: When General Nurses Beat Psych Liaison Hands Down