Squashed (Visual Journal – Mental Illness)

“Molly isn’t here right now”

My current situation was summed up very succinctly and accurately by my clinical psychologist today: “Molly isn’t really here right now, is she? Or maybe she’s just weighed down so deep inside that neither of us can reach her?” I hate it. It’s scary not really being here. But I know it’s for a reason.… Continue reading “Molly isn’t here right now”

CONSUMED. Almost gone….. (Visual Journal)

What it can feel like to be mentally unwell: CONSUMED by the void; almost gone…………………

Difficult Anniversaries with Mental Health Problems

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE ATTEMPTS Today is the second anniversary of the first time I tried to kill myself; a day that almost nobody knows about (most think my first attempt was the one that led to hospital admissions 6 weeks down the line). All the horror – in its many forms – both… Continue reading Difficult Anniversaries with Mental Health Problems

The Importance of Good Therapeutic Relationships and the Terror of Personality Disorders

Therapeutic relationships: what a bloody complicated subject. These relationships are unlike any other – there is a natural power-imbalance and a one-way exchange of information/knowledge about the people involved. This means that those on the professional end of therapeutic relationships, especially with vulnerable patients, are left with the immensely difficult task of working out how… Continue reading The Importance of Good Therapeutic Relationships and the Terror of Personality Disorders

Trapped in a bubble of fear and panic

I’m absolutely consumed by my terror at the moment. Don’t know what to do about it. Don’t know where to turn. Don’t know what it’s OK to think and feel. 

Feeling very alone and very scared. 

The Nonsensical Mental Health System: Boxes, Time Limits, Generalisations and Stigma

System The Nonsensical Mental Health.jpg

From One Extreme to the Other in Mental Health Care

Yesterday. I honestly don’t know where to start with yesterday. Having had a peculiar and confusing appointment with the crisis team made at the last minute the day before, my mind was whirring and my anxieties were peaked to the extent that I didn’t get an iota of sleep. I was a mess all morning,… Continue reading From One Extreme to the Other in Mental Health Care

I Hate This

Simple as that. It is too painful simply to exist right now. I hate this. I hate mental illness. I hate me. I want it to be over but I don’t know how to end the former and still be left with a ‘me’; I don’t feel strong enough for this fight; I don’t even… Continue reading I Hate This

Laying in my PJs, Thinking

Laying in my PJs, thinking, overwhelmed, hiding, dozing, wishing time away, regretting, feeling lost, thinking some more. I’m going to bail on the appointment with stranger stand-in care coordinator tomorrow. It’s going to leave me devoid of professional support until my psychologist gets back from leave but I think going through with it would do… Continue reading Laying in my PJs, Thinking

The Darkness is Stronger, Visual Journal Thurs 21st – Sat 23rd April 2016

Just when I’d started to take the first tiny tip-toeing steps forward (with help) – trying to carve a little space in the darkness to paint with colour and fill with light – unfortunate circumstances, bad timing, my complicated problems/history and more combine to halt and erase progress. The darkness has much bigger erasers and… Continue reading The Darkness is Stronger, Visual Journal Thurs 21st – Sat 23rd April 2016