Painful Contradictions in Mental Health Treatment

I’m having a contrary time at the moment.

On the one hand, I am feeling incredibly awful – dealing with dreadful anniversaries, and a whole host of guilt, shame, self-hatred and fear that go with them.

On the other, I had the most positive CPA I could hope for today in terms of recognition of the work I am putting in to my placement (& the intensive therapy that is part and parcel), the progress I’ve already made, and everyone’s hopes for the positive trajectory of recovery they are currently predicting.

This second point is also making me guilty that I can’t “just be positive” and focus on the blessings of the help and support I am currently receiving that led to as yet unheard of positivity from everyone at the meeting (including myself). But here I am feeling overwhelmingly sad for all I’ve put those around me through and struggling to cope with that guilt.

To try to help get through, I was searching for a positive quote to paint as a reminder for myself, and this one struck a chord…

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Liver Damage

Trigger Warning: Suicide  I won’t go in to specific details (although elements – but not all – will be easily deduced) but on Friday I fully intended to take my own life and made a very serious attempt at doing so…just a week after my last attempt.  After 3 days on a High Dependency Unit… Continue reading Liver Damage

When Getting Support Doesn’t Feel Safe

I had a therapy session today that I don’t know whether to describe as a good or bad: I had an awful time, explored some very painful things, discussed extreme hopelessness, cried non-stop (which I never do when people can see) and shook violently with fear but my psychologist was amazing. From the moment I… Continue reading When Getting Support Doesn’t Feel Safe

Am I Embarrassed?

TW Self Harm/Suicide  Last night I took quite a large overdose. It felt like I was powerless to the ‘monster’ within in a way that I can’t explain; but suffice to say, it is and was a terrifying situation. And one thar endured much guilt: for causing worry and a sleepless night for my mum,… Continue reading Am I Embarrassed?

Tales from General Hospital: When General Nurses Beat Psych Liaison Hands Down

24 hours into an emergency stay in general hospital, at least 16 more hours until we know if there’s any permanent damage…  Psych liaison nurse, bounding on to the ward with her most projecting voice, no hello: “I’m from the psych team! So are you embarrassed and ashamed about what you did?”  General nurse jumps… Continue reading Tales from General Hospital: When General Nurses Beat Psych Liaison Hands Down

Difficult Anniversaries with Mental Health Problems

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE ATTEMPTS Today is the second anniversary of the first time I tried to kill myself; a day that almost nobody knows about (most think my first attempt was the one that led to hospital admissions 6 weeks down the line). All the horror – in its many forms – both… Continue reading Difficult Anniversaries with Mental Health Problems

Cautious, Guilt-Ridden Gratitude (and the O word that shall not be named)

Oh the complexities of very poorly brains. Guess what? I have news – good things – that should make me want to dance or at least crack a little smile, but instead I am riddled with guilt…wishing that I could sacrifice myself and give others – the dozens of others that I know personally, the… Continue reading Cautious, Guilt-Ridden Gratitude (and the O word that shall not be named)