Trigger Warning: Killed by my Debt (BBC)

Please be warned that Killed by my Debt is graphic and there are images of suicide method and a *lot* of build up to it. Please be careful if you are at all vulnerable to this – it is a troubling watch; an important message but told in a particularly graphic manner. Take care x

A Bizarre Christmas Eve

*Trigger Warning – Self Harm* 10 human stitches 5 hours in A&E 4 family visitors 3 hugs from a psych liaison nurse 2 bags of donated presents And maybe a blood transfusion soon. Merry Christmas! 😂

The Monster and Me

***TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal Ideation and Self Harm*** I wrote this the night before a very close call with death, to try to help explain to those helping me what I feel and experience – why I had to sacrifice my life.  “I’m terrified at the moment that any sort of hope or progress is going… Continue reading The Monster and Me

How Does This All Work?

WARNING: DISCUSSION OF THE THOUGHT PROCESSES SURROUNDING SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL IDEATION – PLEASE TAKE CARE READING ON IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED OR UPSET BY THIS As I start typing this, it’s 2am, and I’ve only just finished a 3 hour conversation with the person working the ‘waking night’ shift at my placement, who… Continue reading How Does This All Work?

Now 2 Years on, Reflecting Again on “A Year On – Where Am I?”

Anniversaries are always really hard for me and take a massive toll on my mental health. Another year from the post below and 2 from the events discussed I feel more broken, more hopeless, guiltier, more self-hatred and more ashamed than ever. It still feels like it should have worked 2 years ago for the… Continue reading Now 2 Years on, Reflecting Again on “A Year On – Where Am I?”

What it is like to not be involved in risk management, care planning or significant decisions in mental health care

Recently, the manager of my local crisis team was invited to talk to post graduate nurses working in mental health and A&E about service user involvement in care planning/risk assessments and suicide prevention. She asked if she could use my case as an example both of how badly things can go wrong in this area… Continue reading What it is like to not be involved in risk management, care planning or significant decisions in mental health care

Liver Damage

Trigger Warning: Suicide  I won’t go in to specific details (although elements – but not all – will be easily deduced) but on Friday I fully intended to take my own life and made a very serious attempt at doing so…just a week after my last attempt.  After 3 days on a High Dependency Unit… Continue reading Liver Damage

Living in Limbo

It’s a funny time at the moment: I’m waiting to move in to a new placement which is described as: “a 24-hour CQC-registered accommodation service for adults who experience severe mental distress. Residents have multiple and complex needs and are entering the service from high-level support and secure settings or as an alternative to hospital… Continue reading Living in Limbo

An Example of Crisis Team Excellence

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDAL IDEATION This week has been horrific. So many horrors, for so many reasons. An all-c0nsuming urge to end my life, fed into from different triggers and factors.  But this week I have been so impressed by the response of my local crisis team to me. On Thursday, for the first time ever,… Continue reading An Example of Crisis Team Excellence

Difficult Anniversaries with Mental Health Problems

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE ATTEMPTS Today is the second anniversary of the first time I tried to kill myself; a day that almost nobody knows about (most think my first attempt was the one that led to hospital admissions 6 weeks down the line). All the horror – in its many forms – both… Continue reading Difficult Anniversaries with Mental Health Problems

A Year On – Where Am I?

****Trigger Warning: Discussion of Suicide Attempts and Their Aftermath****   On this day, a year ago, my heart stopped beating. I had been in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months and my mental distress was at such a height – combined with not a single drop of hope – that I decided both that I… Continue reading A Year On – Where Am I?

The Therapy Session I Almost Walked Out Of

I am renowned,  both personally and with those who look after my health, for being incredibly calm, compliant, patient and willing to try everything. But today I thought that might all change. I approached this session, as I do most, with intense apprehension: even after 3 months,  I still don’t really have a feel for… Continue reading The Therapy Session I Almost Walked Out Of

Without Hope and Too Unwell to Write

Currently, I’m struggling massively and am very unwell. I’ve started so many posts or thought of so much that I want to write about, but just haven’t been able. It’s a fight to see each hour through. It’s a fight to continue breathing.  It’s a fight that I don’t know that I want to win.… Continue reading Without Hope and Too Unwell to Write

The Day It All Went Wrong

Today is the first anniversary of me being admitted to that place. Not the easiest thing to cope with when just embarking on trauma therapy for the PTSD caused by the ‘intentionally cruel’ treatment I received from psychiatric professionals and subsequent serious suicide attempts during my 6 month admission there. Basically, my mind are body… Continue reading The Day It All Went Wrong

Tormented

Tormented. That’s the word that my psychologist used to describe me on Friday. I was tormented to the extent that I had my eyes closed, rocking back and forth in silence, rubbing several layers of skin off of my forehead as she watched for the majority of the session. What was tormenting me was the… Continue reading Tormented