Attempted Suicide after 4 Days in Intensive Care

****MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNINGS ALL OVER THIS POST****

Today marked my 4th day in intensive care following an attempt to take my life. It also marked the day of me being ‘medically cleared’ (aka not imminently about to die) and so finally at that very mysterious point of ‘fit for psych’…in my case, this meant that the ‘Intensive’/Crisis team sent a manager who had repeatedly refused referrals by, or even conversations with, my long term team and the nurse who on Friday  (48 hours prior to the attempt that landed me in ITU) decided all I needed was 2 phonecalls and I’d be fine! The meeting was antagonistic and not of pleasant atmosphere towards me from the get-go and there was no negation as far as the Intensive Team were concerned: *intense sarcastic inflection* “Just what exactly did we [my mum, my care coordinator , my consultant psychiatrist, my care coordinator’s mamager) an additional CPN put in by the team to try to plug the ever-largening gap in my care] expect them (the team set up specifically to provide intensive support to patients struggling with their mental health) to do after their 2 phonecalls didn’t work? Didn’t I know that being continually unwell since being back in this town meant there was hardly any support available – skeletal at best – due to some inexplicable reasons self-imposed on the intensive team. several times the manager snapped that ‘we just needed to make and make a complaint’, to which we responded that actually we’d made several (all of which upheld) to which he said that he knew and we’d just have to make more….except I need help now. Except that I don’t have the energy to keep living, let alone be parts of complaints. Except that it’s the fighting and complaining for what I ‘deserve’ that I need to give up fastest, the fight to live soon after, following hand-in-hand. 

ICU have since suggested putting me on a section 5 (2) to try to ‘force’ the intensive team into actually assessing and treating me (they gatekeep all psychiatric beds and all care other than the most basic) – I’m willing to try anything at this point, but really not sure that trick will work. AMHPs, do you have any words of wisdom or advice about any of this? How do we get me the care I need when all but the gatekeepers agree and are willing you start your process?

Well and truly at the end of my tether. 

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