TOXCITY LEVEL EXCEEDED

TRIGGER WARNING: overdose

Today has been a day of fighting that bastard of a monster who takes control of my head and heart. I think of him like this:

That monster convinced me that even by sitting with other patients or staff I would spread the toxicity inside me to them and even worse that I was having such a bad impact that I couldn’t even just avoid people but would have to die.

I found some tablets on leave. I grabbed them. I meant to take them to punish myself.

But that little bit of Molly somehow battled past the monster long enough for me to grab a member of staff I know and trust. And I wrote a letter explaining, handed it over, and then had a chat with her and a nurse.

The staff were lovely- truly- but I still don’t know if I did the right thing or if it was really selfish of me to not remove myself for the good of everyone else. I still couldn’t sit with my usual group of friends here after the talks and PRN.

A very sad, scared and confused Molly 😦

“I’m Fine” – Art that shows the reality behind that phrase

I had my first session of art therapy for around 8 months today and was so glad to get back in to it. There’s a lot going on below the surface that I’m struggling to express at the moment and I feel like I was able to connect with that through paint.

The reality of looking and saying “I’m fine” when struggling with complex mental illness and acute crises.

A Day in the Life (Visual Journal) – Mental Health Awareness Week

Current state of my brain (Visual Journal)

Angry

I think this is the first time I have ever allowed myself to feel this emotion FOR not AGAINST myself.

First time in nearly a quarter of a century.

A Befuddling Day

Trigger warning: discussion of suicide.  I was supposed to die today. My plans were firm, my reasoning was definite in my head, I’d found ways to say goodbye without actually saying the words. I was meant to be dead.  Then, in a frenzy, I had a phonecall from the crisis team manager who didn’t have…

Scribbled Self Portrait

How Scary, Confusing and Overwhelming Life Is

Mental Illness Makes Me Feel Like An Illusion Of A Person

Full of nothing but pain.

Fooling the world.

Undeserving of the help and kindness that real people deserve. 

The Nonsensical Mental Health System: Boxes, Time Limits, Generalisations and Stigma

A Year On – Where Am I?

****Trigger Warning: Discussion of Suicide Attempts and Their Aftermath****   On this day, a year ago, my heart stopped beating. I had been in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months and my mental distress was at such a height – combined with not a single drop of hope – that I decided both that I…

The Suicide Monster

***Please be aware that this post discusses suicide – please do not read on if there is any chance that this may trigger you or adversely affect your health in any way*** I’m starting to realise that this certainty that I have to die (and ASAP) is coming from something ‘other’, something completely out of…

Bum in a Puddle, Crying

It can’t get much worse than that, right? At least you’re not wasting tissues. Wrong, it can get worse: the longest snot stalactite known to man could make an appearance, blowing in the wind until you have a snot scarf to match your tear balaclava. This is the glamorous reality of my life with mental…

Drugged Up and Despairing

Things are horrific. I am horrific. I want just a moment of peace. I want to give in. Emergency drug regime is making me feel permanently drunk, amnesiac, and exhausted. It’s completely necessary for my safety but I’m conscious of how it makes my existence even less real, that the sedation is just a stop-gap,…

Heart-Aching Sadness

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to adequately describe this feeling. This combination of sadness, fear, panic, despair plus something that I can’t put my finger on which pierces me to my core, making me certain that I can’t carry on. There is something horribly wrong with me, something scary, something bad enough that…