Tales from General Hospital: When General Nurses Beat Psych Liaison Hands Down

24 hours into an emergency stay in general hospital, at least 16 more hours until we know if there’s any permanent damage…  Psych liaison nurse, bounding on to the ward with her most projecting voice, no hello: “I’m from the psych team! So are you embarrassed and ashamed about what you did?”  General nurse jumps…

Still Not Processing

Still not processing the news.

Scaring myself.

Mental Illness Makes Me Feel Like An Illusion Of A Person

Full of nothing but pain.

Fooling the world.

Undeserving of the help and kindness that real people deserve. 

A Year On – Where Am I?

****Trigger Warning: Discussion of Suicide Attempts and Their Aftermath****   On this day, a year ago, my heart stopped beating. I had been in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months and my mental distress was at such a height – combined with not a single drop of hope – that I decided both that I…

Poorly × Police

​Life-threateningly poorly, call for medical help (and speak to lovely duty mental health worker over the phone, albeit from the wrong team because there was no answer from the crisis/emergency mental health team) but the only available solution was for the police to secretly be dispatched and make uninvited entry into my home. I admit…

Without Hope and Too Unwell to Write

Currently, I’m struggling massively and am very unwell. I’ve started so many posts or thought of so much that I want to write about, but just haven’t been able. It’s a fight to see each hour through. It’s a fight to continue breathing.  It’s a fight that I don’t know that I want to win.…

Drugged Up and Despairing

Things are horrific. I am horrific. I want just a moment of peace. I want to give in. Emergency drug regime is making me feel permanently drunk, amnesiac, and exhausted. It’s completely necessary for my safety but I’m conscious of how it makes my existence even less real, that the sedation is just a stop-gap,…

I Wish

I wish I knew why this is so hard. I wish I knew why I can’t cope. I wish others weren’t affected by my struggles. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew why I’m not allowed to just give in. I wish I knew why I am so pathetic. I wish…

Why?

Why am I still here? Why do I continue to face days and nights of nothing but endless pain? Why do I fight so hard to do the simplest of things (getting up, sitting upright, getting a drink, getting dressed)? Why do I lay myself emotionally bare to professionals, terrified that I will only get…

What a Mess

An hour and a half sobbing with interim care co & crisis team manager. I am defeatist, they are positive. I am hopeless, they are kind. I am full of guilt, they want to help. I don’t think there is any helping me. I don’t think anyone should have to help. I’m in an unbreakable…

Stuck – Visual Journal 8/5/16

Laying in my PJs, Thinking

Laying in my PJs, thinking, overwhelmed, hiding, dozing, wishing time away, regretting, feeling lost, thinking some more. I’m going to bail on the appointment with stranger stand-in care coordinator tomorrow. It’s going to leave me devoid of professional support until my psychologist gets back from leave but I think going through with it would do…

The Darkness is Stronger, Visual Journal Thurs 21st – Sat 23rd April 2016

Just when I’d started to take the first tiny tip-toeing steps forward (with help) – trying to carve a little space in the darkness to paint with colour and fill with light – unfortunate circumstances, bad timing, my complicated problems/history and more combine to halt and erase progress. The darkness has much bigger erasers and…

Frazzled – Visual Journal 10/4/16

Frazzled – Visual Journal 10/4/16

Planet of Unbearable Emotional Pain – Visual Journal 15/3/16