Lost in Despair
Overcome by sadness and fear
Hopeless beyond belief
All external stimuli TOO MUCH
Everything TOO MUCH
SCARED
Tag: desperation
Tonight’s Crisis Team Wisdom
​Tonight’s crisis team wisdom: “If you went for a walk, you’d come back a different person – you could volunteer in school next week!” I’ve been housebound for 2 months. I haven’t gone out unaccompanied for 18 months. My risk level was raised to the very highest level with the Community Mental Health Team today… Continue reading Tonight’s Crisis Team Wisdom
Shut Up or Complain: A Terrifyingly Flawed Mental Health System
Time and again I come across the same rhetoric in mental health care: if you have any queries, concerns, ideas or wishes other than what is presented to you exactly as is, you are told to complain. Notions of personalised, patient-centred care – though frequently promoted – are often nowhere to be seen in reality,… Continue reading Shut Up or Complain: A Terrifyingly Flawed Mental Health System
From One Extreme to the Other in Mental Health Care
Yesterday. I honestly don’t know where to start with yesterday. Having had a peculiar and confusing appointment with the crisis team made at the last minute the day before, my mind was whirring and my anxieties were peaked to the extent that I didn’t get an iota of sleep. I was a mess all morning,… Continue reading From One Extreme to the Other in Mental Health Care
The tricky subject of ‘like’ in mental health care
I’ve been concerned by comments from some mental health professionals about myself and others both within and under the care of mental health teams – at the insinuation of feelings of ‘liking’ or ‘disliking’ each other from the perspective of both the patients and professionals in question, and the importance that this is given. If… Continue reading The tricky subject of ‘like’ in mental health care
A Shout Out to Awesome Mental Health Workers
This won’t be a long or eloquent post as I’m in the depths of crisis but I just wanted to send a massive thank you to the dedicated, patient and caring mental health professionals out there. There truly are absolutely gems that do all that they can with the available resources – and more than… Continue reading A Shout Out to Awesome Mental Health Workers
A Year On – Where Am I?
****Trigger Warning: Discussion of Suicide Attempts and Their Aftermath**** On this day, a year ago, my heart stopped beating. I had been in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months and my mental distress was at such a height – combined with not a single drop of hope – that I decided both that I… Continue reading A Year On – Where Am I?
“I’m very relieved to know that you’re still alive”
Those were the words that my therapist greeted me with as I arrived at my session today. It may seem blunt, but such is my life and I appreciate her taking the bull by the horns and making that sentiment known to me (she knows full well that I believe myself to be a burden… Continue reading “I’m very relieved to know that you’re still alive”
A Glimpse of My Thoughts
​I just… don’t even know what’s going on… why I’m going on… why I hurt so much… what anyone benefits from me being alive…how I can stand carrying on living *sobs* TORTURED DESPERATE OUT OF MY MIND AT THE END OF MY TETHER OVERWHELMED TERRIFIED NEED TO END 😢
Without Hope and Too Unwell to Write
Currently, I’m struggling massively and am very unwell. I’ve started so many posts or thought of so much that I want to write about, but just haven’t been able. It’s a fight to see each hour through. It’s a fight to continue breathing. It’s a fight that I don’t know that I want to win.… Continue reading Without Hope and Too Unwell to Write
Bum in a Puddle, Crying
It can’t get much worse than that, right? At least you’re not wasting tissues. Wrong, it can get worse: the longest snot stalactite known to man could make an appearance, blowing in the wind until you have a snot scarf to match your tear balaclava. This is the glamorous reality of my life with mental… Continue reading Bum in a Puddle, Crying
Falling Apart at the Lightest Touch
One of the aspects of my mental ill health which I detest the most is my fragility. I fall apart – no, disintegrate – when even the smallest of things go awry. This morning went from off the charts anxiety, despair and suicidality to dissolving into non-functional panic when my psychologist phoned to let me… Continue reading Falling Apart at the Lightest Touch
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