The Last Goodbyes

Well these last two days have been particularly distressing, consisting of over 6 separate and significant goodbyes before I move to a specialist inpatient placement 100 miles away. There are sad goodbyes, scary goodbyes, tearful goodbyes, and hopeful goodbyes. Therapeutic endings having to be squeezed in to a strange scenario and personal endings that I’m… Continue reading The Last Goodbyes

The Illogical Logic of an Unreal Reality

Being extra crazy seems to have made me spectacularly busy. Which will make me spectacularly crazy as I try to hide from the people who are saying goodbye to me before I move to a long-term locked mental health unit that I need to go to a long-term locked mental health unit…the reality of which… Continue reading The Illogical Logic of an Unreal Reality

Getting Divorced + Moving House + Getting Married

I’m struggling to deal with the sadness and emotional pain ofmy upcoming move to a new placement. And I’m giving myself a hard time about that considering how much I’ve fought to get to this placement, knowing that it is what I need. Then today came along a great analogy from one of the workers… Continue reading Getting Divorced + Moving House + Getting Married

The Beginning of the End or The End of the Beginning

Here I am again, waiting for my whole world to be turned upside down. After the specialist placement that I had been waiting for for a year closed for financial reasons after just 6 months of being open, giving just 28 days notice (even though assessment with them took 3 months and any potential alternatives… Continue reading The Beginning of the End or The End of the Beginning

A Year Ago Today

Trigger warning: discussion of suicide attempts and method A year ago today, I hung myself in intensive care, having already come very close to dying several days earlier. This week has been an horrific struggle, and I very nearly died 2 weeks ago as well. But today a recovery worker at my placement handed me… Continue reading A Year Ago Today

“But you laughed yesterday!”

Burn on hand, duty doctor called in: “But you laughed yesterday! The staff are really confused that this happened after.” FFS. Nothing more misunderstood than ‘presentation’/public front vs what’s actually going on in reality in mental health. I’d told people all day and for the previous days what was going on, that there were horrific… Continue reading “But you laughed yesterday!”

Now 2 Years on, Reflecting Again on “A Year On – Where Am I?”

Anniversaries are always really hard for me and take a massive toll on my mental health. Another year from the post below and 2 from the events discussed I feel more broken, more hopeless, guiltier, more self-hatred and more ashamed than ever. It still feels like it should have worked 2 years ago for the… Continue reading Now 2 Years on, Reflecting Again on “A Year On – Where Am I?”