So the second week begins…

I can’t believe it’s the start of my second full week at New Placement already; it’s one of those weird time vortex situations that feels both like I only arrived yesterday and have been here for months at the same time. This week I get to try out a few more things – I’ve mainly…

Is Suicide a Choice? A Survivor’s Perspective

First of all: yes, of course it is a choice. BUT…and this is an important but…a non-suicidal person pointing this out to someone in acute crisis tends to come laden with judgement, whether implicit or explicit, intended or not. It often is: “Well, it’s your choice, so just decide” “It’s your choice, so why are…

The Illogical Logic of an Unreal Reality

Being extra crazy seems to have made me spectacularly busy. Which will make me spectacularly crazy as I try to hide from the people who are saying goodbye to me before I move to a long-term locked mental health unit that I need to go to a long-term locked mental health unit…the reality of which…

Getting Divorced + Moving House + Getting Married

I’m struggling to deal with the sadness and emotional pain ofmy upcoming move to a new placement. And I’m giving myself a hard time about that considering how much I’ve fought to get to this placement, knowing that it is what I need. Then today came along a great analogy from one of the workers…

The Beginning of the End or The End of the Beginning

Here I am again, waiting for my whole world to be turned upside down. After the specialist placement that I had been waiting for for a year closed for financial reasons after just 6 months of being open, giving just 28 days notice (even though assessment with them took 3 months and any potential alternatives…

Inside Versus Outside; You Never Know What Hides Behind a Smile

Today, as I looked at a visual journal page I’d just finished, it struck me that less than an hour earlier I had changed my Facebook cover photo to something that looks VERY different and was taken earlier this afternoon. Never had it been more apparent that one of my earliest doodles “You Never Know…

I Choose To Live

Trigger Warning: Discussion of Suicide I choose to live. Or, I hope I do, anyway. My life, my choices, my personality, my ‘needs’ – or lack of – have up until now always been decided based on the good of others, not for me. I don’t even come in the top 10 of priorities considered…

Relationships Matter in Mental Health

After a day of shut down silence, I just spoke to one of the most awesome HCAs from the ward I spent 5 months on, now working for the crisis team and still as awesome. Unlocked some emotion. Many tears (actually a good thing for me). Got me to communicate where there’s been just detached…

A Particularly Jam-Packed Day at a Placement for Complex Mental Illness

Tomorrow has become a bit of an unwieldy beast: 11am Review with Senior Recovery Worker 1.30pm House Meeting 2pm Interviewing New Staff 2pm Session with in-house OT Hoping that overnight I learn how to split myself in to 3 😂 times will be changed but that itself is panic-worthy! ALL THE STRESS in one day.

Missing Loved Ones’ Lives

I hate being poorly.  I hate not being there for the people I love.  I hate not being the one people feel they can turn to for support any more (even though they really can still).  I hate missing weddings and birthdays and celebrations.  I hate not hearing the news first hand, both good and…

Happy ‘Who-needs-a-penis,-anyway?! Day’ Fathers’ Day for a single mother.

I came up with a quirky way to celebrate my mum on this day:

How the Suicide Monster Takes Over

My suicide monster is sneaky. It convinces me that my immense toxicity impacts everyone around me to such an extent that I HAVE to kill myself or face the guilt and sheer ‘wrongness’ of continuing to inflict myself on the world. It creates a cold, calculating, detached haze in order to stop the sadness or fear the teeny bit of me left might feel in case that selfishly stops me acting for the greater good of everyone. 

Am I Embarrassed?

TW Self Harm/Suicide  Last night I took quite a large overdose. It felt like I was powerless to the ‘monster’ within in a way that I can’t explain; but suffice to say, it is and was a terrifying situation. And one thar endured much guilt: for causing worry and a sleepless night for my mum,…

Living in Limbo

It’s a funny time at the moment: I’m waiting to move in to a new placement which is described as: “a 24-hour CQC-registered accommodation service for adults who experience severe mental distress. Residents have multiple and complex needs and are entering the service from high-level support and secure settings or as an alternative to hospital…

A Bit of Monday Morning Silliness

I’m watching This Morning: Holly is ill so Rylan has been brought in last minute.  I’ve just had a call from my support worker to say my community psychiatric nurse is unwell, so support worker will come alone to planned double visit; I propose in future random low level celebs are dropped in to mental…