To my younger self

Today I was asked to give some advice to a 12 year old as if I were talking to my younger self. Not only do I think my 12 year old self need to hear it, I think at times I still need it now: So, I needed to hear that it is OK to…

Challenging Thoughts & Feelings

It has been a while! Hello. Hopefully you’ll be pleased to hear that the time since my last post has been spent working especially hard on becoming more well (I struggle to use the word Recovery for some reason…I think because I feel it is thrown around a bit flippantly). I have made a hell…

The Not Knowing Stance

Absolutely key to Mentalization Based Treatment, of which I am very fortunate to be undergoing in an intensive rehabilitation iinpatient service. I am almost 14 months in and for the first time am seeing significant positive change and hope for the future.

Chapter 2: The Seedlings of a Story

The first chapter of my first ever dabble in creative writing can be found here. Below, is my draft of a second chapter. As always, thoughts and whether you are finding it interesting are welcome! Chapter 2 Darkness. Concrete beneath my face and the sounds of chaos around me. An incessant squawking from the crashed…

The Seedlings of a Story

Chapter One

Silence. The peaceful darkness was welcoming, comforting even, until the light flashes on full beam and the room reverberates with “Good morning, Evelyn.” The same dull voice that wakes me and accompanies me through every waking moment. Days are controlled by the machines: my personal holo – inescapable – chooses when I wake, what I wear, everything I am allowed to own, what I study. The same day, over and over, for me and everyone else in this village…in this world. I stretch, extending my arms, legs and back to their limits: a short moment of relief, experiencing the unedited physical world before the peace is shattered once more. Again, the holo booms out: “Evelyn, I need your choice of breakfast, now.” The emphasis on the last word bugs me: I’m not even allowed 10 seconds to stretch without tech butting in. I sigh and respond “The usual, Rust Bucket,” enjoying that small, inconsequential act of rebellion. “Done.” See, the insult doesn’t even register with the holo as there is no fighting back, nothing remotely human – the holos aren’t allowed to be rude or show anger…a bit like my self-inflicted rules for myself. In fact, I don’t really know how different I am from the machines. The holo projects my clothes on to me and drops a bowl of tasteless, nutritionally-balanced goo in to my hands. I’m just another cog in the machine that this world has become. Here we go again.

After forcing down the ‘food’, I look around my room, focussing on the walls plastered with years’ worth of drawings. Simple scraps of paper – a rarity in itself – decorated with flowers, animals and trees. The holo could replicate all of these things at a simple command, but I’d rather the real thing. And, actually, my favourite drawing is something that’s never been real: a charismatic-looking miniature dragon with eyes that feel like they penetrate my soul.* Leaving the brightly coloured gallery that is my room – my sanctuary – I make my way wearily down the stairs. Those images stick in my mind, reminding me of all that has been lost and all that might have been. No use dwelling on it – the world is what it is – but for some reason I always feel a pull towards nature and ‘real life’ that I know can never be satisfied. The world is dull, metallic, electronic, monochrome…amything else is ‘frivolous’ and automatically incurs sanctions through the holo network. Hence me dragging my unwilling feet to The Academy for the compulsory studies in Artificial Intelligence and ‘Life-Enhancing Technology’ (what a joke!) – the classes and system I hate but just have to get on with or else let myself and (worse) my devoted gradparents sink even further in society. At the bottom of the stairs, I look around at the bleak and lifeless ‘living’ space; I can’t help but roll my eyes at this stupidly ironic title for a room with no more life in it that a rock. As I reach the front door I pause, feeling content to hear the gentle snores of my grandpa and nana vibrating this small cuboid I call home; keeping them safe is why I persist at this life.

My first step outside brings my first and only smile of the day: my little patch of grass that the authorities call destructive and messy. I call it tranquility and reality; life. Even through the concrete and metal, nature found its way…and I might have managed to give it a sneaky helping hand. That concrete was crumbling anyway and I couldn’t deny that grass – or me, for that matter – a rare glimpse of life. Since those first blades fought through, the grass has spread and it has blossomed with ‘weeds’, the colours of which are a pleasant shock to the system in a muted world of greys, blacks and beiges. I take a moment to close my eyes and smell the freshness: the real, non-recycled, filtered or enhanced air that has to be pumped all over to sustain life in an unnatural world. One last look at the greens and yellows before departing to the cold grey of The Academy. This controlled, computerised life is unrelenting. 

Looking around at the bleak structures, I make my way to the ever-regenerating bank of pods: the required mode of travel. The short walk feels an eternity when wherever you look is the same: each home a perfect black cube with slightly contrasting grey patches to give the illusion of windows and doors…I don’t know why they bother. The pavement is entirely holo-generated, mapping out individual journeys, agendas and notices – as if the holo’s constant verbal communication wasn’t enough! My eyes, ears and brain ache with information overload. It never relents. 

I step in to the first available pod: a claustrophobic sphere designed by computers for efficiency, not comfort, just life the rest of the world. I assume the required crouched foetal position. “One lifeform detected,” announces the pod. Before I get chance to breathe, my holo takes over: “Evelyn, your pre-approved journey has been registered with the pod-deck. You will arrive at The Academy in exactly three minutes and forty-two seconds.” Yet again, I have absolutely no say, individuality, or even the illusion of choice. My existence is controlled by and for the tech. I close my eyes and the pod shoots off. 

Another day of monotonous hell.

Or so I thought.

“You’re worth it, Molly”

The team here really are going above and beyond to help me cope with an operation that my mum is having at the end of the week, and their willingness to be flexible and supportive means that I will get to be there for here at the most important times whilst making sure that I get through it as emotionally unscathed as possible. When I thanked them for all they are doing, the above was their response. Words that are hard to take on and truly believe but that they are proving their belief of it to me through actions.

9 Month Hospital Review: Previously Unimaginable Progress

Today brought my 9 month CPA (Care Planning Approach meeting) at my placement, which I’m at for intensive treatment for Personality Disorder using Mentalization Based Therapy (alongside medication and some other bits and bobs!). These meetings are always stressful for me – and this one brought its own struggles in that I have a very…

Things I Never Thought I’d Be Able to Say: 9 Months in to Inpatient Treatment for Personality Disorder

Out of area locked placements for the treatment of personality disorders frequently get a lot of bad press, and I can often see why this is the case. Fortunately, I have been very lucky (finally!) with my current placement which, although it is several hours drive from home and run by a private company (usually…

Re: The Guardian’s Report on Locked Mental Health Rehabilitation Wards – A Patient’s Experience

The Guardian has published an article about locked mental health rehabilitation wards that has a lot of interesting figures in and some perspectives on the purpose and morality of wards such as these existing. This article and the figures within need to be looked at with balance and with regards to whether each ward does…

For Everyone Who Struggles on Mothers’ Day

Sending my love and best wishes out there to everyone for whom Mothers’ Day brings pain or sadness.

To those separated by death.
To those who have never met.
To those who have to be apart for whatever reason.
To those for whom illness or addiction provides a barrier.To those who made a brave choice to end unhealthy relationships.

To all of you, whatever you experience this day, please know that you’re not forgotten and your experience is valid.

Take care x

6 Months in to Personality Disorder Placement

As I type this, I’ve been meaning to do so for so long that I’m now actually closer to 7 months of being here. Where is here? Well, to me it is the place that has given me hope of a life. For the first and only time, I feel like I no longer am…

Libraries and Pondering the Future

Finally registered with the local library and got my first book out: ‘Confessions of a Male Nurse’. I’m looking forward to it greatly, especially as I suspect more and more that my future lies in healthcare. ‘Allsorts’ looks intrigued, too… 😉 It’s been a while since I’ve had the concentration to sit and read, and…

Small Acts of Kindness

As part of an Occupational Therapy group at my placement we are doing a topic on ‘care’; a member of our group suggested that we make notes to leave in books at the library and what a lovely idea that is! So today I’ve gotten really in to finding some nice messages and making some little cards up to put in there on Monday.

I’ve always loved the idea of doing something like this, thinking that you never know what little thing might brighten someone’s day. And who knows, maybe it will trigger a whole chain of small acts of kindness?

Intro to MBT Booklet – PDF to Download

Recently I created a summary booklet about Mentalization Based Treatment under the supervision of the MBT Coordinator at my placement. The staff here have found it really helpful and they’re going to start giving it out to those receiving treatment to aid understanding. There isn’t much ‘easy-read’ or introductory information about MBT out there so I thought others may find it helpful, too.

The PDF is available to download here: MBT leaflet – PDF Download

A preview of the booklet is below:

I hope you found this helpful – feel free to print it off for yourself or share it.

Dishing out advice is so much easier than following it…

As someone who yesterday wrote this: Today I’ve struggled not to dissolve in to tears about the mess of a person I am and the mess of a year I’ve just had. Whether it was comparisons with others (the achievements and lives of my friends, people I went to school with, people I’ve been in…