The first chapter of my first ever dabble in creative writing can be found here. Below, is my draft of a second chapter. As always, thoughts and whether you are finding it interesting are welcome! Chapter 2 Darkness. Concrete beneath my face and the sounds of chaos around me. An incessant squawking from the crashed… Continue reading Chapter 2: The Seedlings of a Story
Tag: creativity
The Seedlings of a Story
Chapter One
Silence. The peaceful darkness was welcoming, comforting even, until the light flashes on full beam and the room reverberates with “Good morning, Evelyn.” The same dull voice that wakes me and accompanies me through every waking moment. Days are controlled by the machines: my personal holo – inescapable – chooses when I wake, what I wear, everything I am allowed to own, what I study. The same day, over and over, for me and everyone else in this village…in this world. I stretch, extending my arms, legs and back to their limits: a short moment of relief, experiencing the unedited physical world before the peace is shattered once more. Again, the holo booms out: “Evelyn, I need your choice of breakfast, now.” The emphasis on the last word bugs me: I’m not even allowed 10 seconds to stretch without tech butting in. I sigh and respond “The usual, Rust Bucket,” enjoying that small, inconsequential act of rebellion. “Done.” See, the insult doesn’t even register with the holo as there is no fighting back, nothing remotely human – the holos aren’t allowed to be rude or show anger…a bit like my self-inflicted rules for myself. In fact, I don’t really know how different I am from the machines. The holo projects my clothes on to me and drops a bowl of tasteless, nutritionally-balanced goo in to my hands. I’m just another cog in the machine that this world has become. Here we go again.
After forcing down the ‘food’, I look around my room, focussing on the walls plastered with years’ worth of drawings. Simple scraps of paper – a rarity in itself – decorated with flowers, animals and trees. The holo could replicate all of these things at a simple command, but I’d rather the real thing. And, actually, my favourite drawing is something that’s never been real: a charismatic-looking miniature dragon with eyes that feel like they penetrate my soul.* Leaving the brightly coloured gallery that is my room – my sanctuary – I make my way wearily down the stairs. Those images stick in my mind, reminding me of all that has been lost and all that might have been. No use dwelling on it – the world is what it is – but for some reason I always feel a pull towards nature and ‘real life’ that I know can never be satisfied. The world is dull, metallic, electronic, monochrome…amything else is ‘frivolous’ and automatically incurs sanctions through the holo network. Hence me dragging my unwilling feet to The Academy for the compulsory studies in Artificial Intelligence and ‘Life-Enhancing Technology’ (what a joke!) – the classes and system I hate but just have to get on with or else let myself and (worse) my devoted gradparents sink even further in society. At the bottom of the stairs, I look around at the bleak and lifeless ‘living’ space; I can’t help but roll my eyes at this stupidly ironic title for a room with no more life in it that a rock. As I reach the front door I pause, feeling content to hear the gentle snores of my grandpa and nana vibrating this small cuboid I call home; keeping them safe is why I persist at this life.
My first step outside brings my first and only smile of the day: my little patch of grass that the authorities call destructive and messy. I call it tranquility and reality; life. Even through the concrete and metal, nature found its way…and I might have managed to give it a sneaky helping hand. That concrete was crumbling anyway and I couldn’t deny that grass – or me, for that matter – a rare glimpse of life. Since those first blades fought through, the grass has spread and it has blossomed with ‘weeds’, the colours of which are a pleasant shock to the system in a muted world of greys, blacks and beiges. I take a moment to close my eyes and smell the freshness: the real, non-recycled, filtered or enhanced air that has to be pumped all over to sustain life in an unnatural world. One last look at the greens and yellows before departing to the cold grey of The Academy. This controlled, computerised life is unrelenting.
Looking around at the bleak structures, I make my way to the ever-regenerating bank of pods: the required mode of travel. The short walk feels an eternity when wherever you look is the same: each home a perfect black cube with slightly contrasting grey patches to give the illusion of windows and doors…I don’t know why they bother. The pavement is entirely holo-generated, mapping out individual journeys, agendas and notices – as if the holo’s constant verbal communication wasn’t enough! My eyes, ears and brain ache with information overload. It never relents.
I step in to the first available pod: a claustrophobic sphere designed by computers for efficiency, not comfort, just life the rest of the world. I assume the required crouched foetal position. “One lifeform detected,” announces the pod. Before I get chance to breathe, my holo takes over: “Evelyn, your pre-approved journey has been registered with the pod-deck. You will arrive at The Academy in exactly three minutes and forty-two seconds.” Yet again, I have absolutely no say, individuality, or even the illusion of choice. My existence is controlled by and for the tech. I close my eyes and the pod shoots off.
Another day of monotonous hell.
Or so I thought.
Small Acts of Kindness
As part of an Occupational Therapy group at my placement we are doing a topic on ‘care’; a member of our group suggested that we make notes to leave in books at the library and what a lovely idea that is! So today I’ve gotten really in to finding some nice messages and making some little cards up to put in there on Monday.
I’ve always loved the idea of doing something like this, thinking that you never know what little thing might brighten someone’s day. And who knows, maybe it will trigger a whole chain of small acts of kindness?
Doodles for World Mental Health Day 2018
Still the best way I can represent mental health (despite many changes in diagnosis, treatment, contact with mental health services and so much more) are through my original doodles, so I thought it was time to share them again today:
I will have to try to do some more soon!
A Wise Hedgehog with Important Messages
Today I created a range of motivational mental health related posters with a doodled ‘wise hedgehog’ and colourful mixed media design whilst at the Acute Community Unit.
I’m not sure where the combination came from, but out popped this first one with a message that I myself really need reminding of:
As well as one that sprung from a difficult conversation I had just had with the crisis team manager:
With 2 other mental health themed ones:
And one more to do with art/creativity:
After a lot of enthusiasm on Twitter and some requests, I have put these designs up for sale on Zazzle- whether you yourself would like a reminder of any of these messages or if you know someone whose day might be brightened by receiving one of these…Posters can be purchased from this link: https://www.zazzle.co.uk/thedoodlechronicles
Plus, if you buy in the next few days, you can get 20% off with the code JULYSAVINGS20.
Let me know what you think about my wise little hedgehog… 🙂
Re-training a Wonky Brain
An enormous barrier to recovery for me is a complete lack of self-compassion, self-kindness and self-esteem. This week I decided it was time to try to tackle this head-on and so am working my way through ‘The Compassionate Mind Workbook’ by Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont. As well as working through the first 3 chapters,… Continue reading Re-training a Wonky Brain
The Most Eclectic Piece of Art I’ve Ever Done
Now this is a piece that must have a story behind it…
And it does. The crisis team and I were trying to work out what strategies I could use to get through the evening. Art is a favourite of ours and, having just spoken about how I struggle to retain people’s actual appearances in my head but instead retain feelings and facts, the support worker suggested I might try to draw what comes into my head when I picture her. Now this might seem a bizarre collection of things but she’s a unique lady: loves unicorns, Disney and horror, and has lots of qualities that make her very good at her job. It was a really interesting challenge and something to explore for me…I just hope she is happy with the outcome!
What a Month of My Art Therapy Looks Like
Art therapy for me is a valuable and unique way of experiencing and expressing my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and sometimes a rare chance to just be a bit playful or make something a bit pretty, depending on what is going on for me at the time. I’ve been lucky enough to receive a month’s worth of sessions (once or twice weekly, depending on bank holidays and the therapist’s leave) which come to an end on Monday so I thought now was a good opportunity to reflect upon what I’ve created over the past month.
From the start of this batch of sessions, the Art Psychotherapist, who has worked with me before, decided that a great project for me would be for me to try to test out creating very large, free, uncontrolled pieces where possible as I tend to let perfectionism and anxiety hold me back into creating very small and controlled pieces rather than letting my time in art therapy tap into the more raw emotions. We’ve both been pleased with the results of this project and the difference we have noticed in me whilst I create these pieces. It has been freeing and a completely new experience for me.
So, what have I done? Below is a taster. Most of these are created on A2 or A1 paper, mainly using paint (whether that me using standard brushes, rollers, sponges, fingers, or even squirting straight from the bottle), but sometimes using pens or pastels or a mix of media. Some of it is much more a reflection of my internal state whilst others were more about trying to be a bit playful and have some fun. I hope this gives some insight into what Art Therapy can look like.
12/05/2017
15/05/2017
19/05/2017
22/5/2017
02/06/2017
12/06/2017
I’d really recommend anyone who has the opportunity gives art therapy a go; it is nothing to do with ‘Art’ or ‘talent’ or ‘ability’ but about connecting to and expressing your thoughts/feelings/emotions or being a bit playful at times when that feels impossible. I hadn’t done any kind of art since the start of secondary school (and even then that was begrudgingly) when I first tried art therapy, and believe me I was beyond sceptical, but look at all that is has sparked in me since…!
Using Art Therapy to Test Out Freedom, Expression and Imperfection
Today’s art therapy was about going big and expressive as a step towards losing my ever-present intense control & perfectionism
Metaphorically Dumping Guilt and Self-Hatred
Following a conversation yesterday about the fact that it will likely be guilt that’s the final nail in the coffin (sorry for the dark pun) towards my suicide, the crisis team manager went searching for some boulders for me. Today she turned up hauling these with her and together we wrote ‘GUILT’ and ‘SELF-HATRED’ on them then metaphorically dumped them outside.
I thought this was a wonderful gesture, some amazing ouside-the-box thinking by an already stretched mental health professional, and a great idea. Definitely well worth a try!
Let’s hope even part of those torturously heavy boulders can stay out there.
What is Art Psychotherapy?
A nice little exploration of what art psychotherapy is and why it can be so helpful. Art therapy is something I have really valued in the past and really hope to be fortunate enough to experience more of in the future – different parts of myself have been revealed, I’ve been able to explore so… Continue reading What is Art Psychotherapy?
Frazzled, Visual Journal 25/5/16
At the end of my tether.
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