Difficult Anniversaries with Mental Health Problems

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE ATTEMPTS

Today is the second anniversary of the first time I tried to kill myself; a day that almost nobody knows about (most think my first attempt was the one that led to hospital admissions 6 weeks down the line). All the horror – in its many forms – both then and since makes it entirely intollerable. 

What’s worse is that, then, I thought I’d reached rock bottom…but oh how very wrong I was. I wish so much that I could have spared everyone the stress, upset, worry, work, time, distress and complication that has come in the two years since; if only I’d been successful then. 

Instead today is the start of a raft of anniversaries and major triggers. We’ve had to contend with trauma from negligent and abusive treatment as well as so many close calls on my life: 3 lots of CPR, ITU, half a dozen times in resus, over a dozen general hospital admissions following attempts. All the while with distress and desperation increasing. Trauma piled on more and more. 

I hate this.

I hate all that’s happened.

I hate that it’s my fault. 

I HATE ME.