Missing Loved Ones’ Lives

I hate being poorly.  I hate not being there for the people I love.  I hate not being the one people feel they can turn to for support any more (even though they really can still).  I hate missing weddings and birthdays and celebrations.  I hate not hearing the news first hand, both good and…

The Suicide Monster

***Please be aware that this post discusses suicide – please do not read on if there is any chance that this may trigger you or adversely affect your health in any way*** I’m starting to realise that this certainty that I have to die (and ASAP) is coming from something ‘other’, something completely out of…

Knee-Knocking Anxiety Shakes

Anxiety shakes have been a prominent problem for me for a long time. Right now they are particularly debilitating, violently wracking my body from head to toe, showing the true physicality of mental illness. Unfortunately, right now I’m having to rely on benzodiazapines to help both with these physical symptoms and the mental distress. That…

The Darkness is Stronger, Visual Journal Thurs 21st – Sat 23rd April 2016

Just when I’d started to take the first tiny tip-toeing steps forward (with help) – trying to carve a little space in the darkness to paint with colour and fill with light – unfortunate circumstances, bad timing, my complicated problems/history and more combine to halt and erase progress. The darkness has much bigger erasers and…

*hides under blanket and wishes away the mentals*

I don’t wanna do this any more. I’m too tired and this fight is too hard; so much work to do. Feeling very lazy and pathetic to be voicing this but I’m just so exhausted and fed up of this. It’s too much, I’m too weak…how can I do this? I have been working hard…